Cradle to Grave - AfterTheFuneral (2024)

Chapter 1: Worth the Wait

Chapter Text

Strange and unusual things seemed to follow Lydia Deetz her whole life. She seemed to have a knack for collecting supernatural souvenirs. And as she looked at the massive spider wedding ring on her finger, she realized she had just collected the biggest trophy of them all.

“Nice, eh babes?” her new husband grabbed her hand and gave it a tight squeeze. “It’s an antique. I’ve been saving it for centuries for the right gal.” He lifted up her hand and kissed it.

Lydia placed her hand back on the steering wheel. Her trip to Winter River certainly didn’t turn out as she planned. Instead of one funeral she went to two and found herself married to the ghost that scared her the most. She was driving back to her home in the suburbs of New York, her daughter in the backseat and her husband riding shotgun.

Astrid furiously flipped through the pages of the Handbook for the Recently Deceased. “There’s got to be a way to get rid of this man...”

Betelgeuse turned around in his seat. “Good luck finding a loophole! It will take you several lifetimes.” He grabbed Lydia’s hand again. “My passport is stamped and I’m looking forward to spending the rest of my afterlife with my two girls.” He reached his arm behind Lydia’s shoulders and started to gently stroke the back of her neck. “Where do you want to spend our honeymoon? Hawaii? I’ve always wanted to go there.”

“Can’t. I need to get back to filming new episodes of Ghost House. I’ve been away from the set long enough.”

“I’ve got to say, I’m your biggest fan! I’ve seen every episode. But I think it could be better. I have a lot of ideas to really kick it up a few notches.”

He rambled on and on about various bio-exorcisms he could perform for the cameras. Lydia focused her eyes on the road thinking of her future. She was stuck with this man now, and although she tried to fight it for so many years she started thinking that maybe now she would make the best of it. She casually turned to look at her new husband, he did possess a sort of animal magnetism that her previous lovers lacked. Perhaps he would be fun to have around for a while? Or at least until Astrid could find a loophole.

After hours in the car they approached their home in the suburbs. “So this is the place, huh?” Betelgeuse walked around the living room, jumped on the couch and spread himself out. “A guy could get used to this.”

Astrid leaned over and whispered to her mom. “Don’t worry, I’ll find a loophole.”

Lydia sighed deeply. “I think I need a drink.” She walked into the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine. Betelgeuse followed her in, ever closely attached at her hip.

“I like what you’ve done with the place, but it could use a man’s touch.”

Lydia poured a glass and handed it to him. “Want a drink?”

He looked at the glass with a thousand yard stare. Ancient memories came flooding back. “Sorry, but I don’t take drinks from women I’m married to. I’ll have to tell you my lore sometime.”

Lydia took a sip. “Go ahead, I want to hear it. I mean, if we’re married now, I want to know all about the man I’m married to.”

He took the bottle of wine from her and began to chug. “Alright, I’ll give you the short and sweet version. I was a graverobber during the plague and was having a pretty good time doing that, I met Delores and I fell head over heels for her, but it was all a ruse. She poisoned me so I could be a sacrifice for some real black magic sh*t. But I guess I got the last laugh, I did a number on her with an axe before I went.” He looked at Lydia and smiled, but her eyes got big as she took another sip. “I promise, I got spousal homicide out of my system for good. Will never happen again.”

It took a minute for Lydia to absorb what he had just said. Her new husband was a murder victim and murderer at the same time. “You know, all ghosts carry with them some trauma. Unfulfilled needs and desires. It keeps them haunting the places they died and inspires them to terrorize the living.”

“Oh yeah, what’s my trauma?”

“I used to think you terrorized people just for the fun of it. But now I think you’re a little deeper than that. I think what you’re seeking is love.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yes. Something about your marriage with Delores left you unfulfilled. You felt love that was unrequited. And now you think I’m the one that can fulfill your needs.”

“You're very good at this honey. No wonder your show is the best.” The couple headed off to the living room, Lydia sat on the couch next to Astrid while Betelgeuse made himself comfortable on the recliner. “So, Astrid, I hear you have a few days before you have to go back to boarding school. I was thinking we could really bond during this time, you and me. Father and daughter.”

Astrid rolled her eyes. “I’m not calling you dad. I already have one dead father, I don’t need two!”

“Oh come on, maybe we can go bowling together, binge some shows on Netflix. Maybe go fishing?”

Astrid looked at Lydia. “Mom, a little help here?”

Lydia leaned back on the couch, glass of wine in her hand looking Betelgeuse up and down. She became hypnotized by his striped suit. He sat with his legs spread in an almost obnoxious way as he waved his hands around manically explaining wild ideas to Astrid about how they could bond. Her eyes were drawn to the pleating in his pants and she caught herself sizing him up. She wasn’t sure if the black and white stripes were an optical illusion or if he was packing something in his pants. He definitely seemed bigger than Rory, although that wasn’t saying much. As she sipped her wine her thoughts suddenly turned to sex. It had been an awfully long time since she had gotten laid, and she couldn’t remember the last time she enjoyed sex. Definitely never with Rory, and probably a few boyfriends ago. The way Betelgeuse spoke in innuendos made her wonder if he was actually good in bed. Or he was a one pump chump like her ex. The thought of welcoming Betelgeuse into her bed used to sicken and disgust her, but now she was morbidly intrigued.

He snapped his fingers and started waving his hands in front of Lydia’s face. “Hello, is someone in there?”

Lydia finished her glass of wine. “I think I’m going to go upstairs for a bit.” She set her glass down and made her way to the stairs. In an instant Betelgeuse appeared behind her.

“Allow me.” He scooped Lydia up in his arms and carried her up the stairs. He approached her bedroom and kicked the door down, nearly knocking it off its hinges. Lydia looked around and the bed was transformed to donning deep red satin sheets adorned with rose petals while they were illuminated by dozens of low burning candles. Before Lydia could say anything, she was tossed on the bed and he threw himself on top of her. “You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this. I promise it will be well worth the wait.” He grabbed her and started kissing her forcefully.

Lydia pulled herself away. “Before we continue, I think I should give you your wedding present. Come to the bathroom with me.” She grabbed him by the hand and led him into the master bath, attached to her bedroom. He looked at her with feverish anticipation as she handed him a toothbrush and toothpaste.

“Really Lydia?!”

“I’m serious. If you want me to kiss you, you need to brush your teeth.”

He rolled his eyes and stomped his feet. “Seriously?! I’ve never had to do that.”

“I’m serious.” He groaned and grabbed the toothbrush from her hands and scowled as he brushed his teeth. “Two minutes, I’ll time you.” He scoffed and scowled at the mirror as Lydia stood behind him. After his torturous two minutes was over he spat into the sink and looked at Lydia.

“Happy now?” He approached Lydia and tried to kiss her, but she held her hand up and blocked him.

“We’re not done. You need to take a shower.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re covered in centuries of moss, and you smell like a freshly dug grave. You’re seriously a walking UTI.”

“Oh, come on! I don’t do showers! Honestly, I’m a bit hydrophobic.”

Lydia sighed. “Fine. I’ll shower with you.” She let her black dress slide off her shoulders onto the floor. Betelgeuse stood dumbfounded at her as he watched each piece of clothing fall off. The object of his undying love and affection was finally naked in front of him and he didn’t know what to do.

Lydia stepped into the shower. “Well come on!”

Furiously he ripped his striped suit off piece by piece. He stepped into her shower and looked her up and down, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her in closely for a kiss. She reached behind him and turned the water on. “Aaah! Cold!” He flinched as the water hit his skin.

“Oh, come on, a little cold water shouldn’t bother a ghost.”

“Hey, I can still feel ya know. Temperature, hot, cold, some pain, pleasure too.” He grabbed for her breasts and gave them a squeeze. “God, these feel better than I imagined.”

Lydia started scrubbing his scalp, she watched in disgust as dozens of millipedes fell off and circled the drain. Betelgeuse didn’t seem to mind, his hands were caressing and stroking his new wife’s body rapidly moving from one area to another. Lydia was unamused as she started scrubbing the various patches of moss off his face, arms and chest. He paused to gently grab her face and pull her in for a deep kiss. She tasted the mint on his breath and went in for another. His lips felt icy and cool, and his chill embrace of death sent shivers down her spine. Lydia took in the sights, his messy blonde hair that hadn’t been brushed in centuries lay soaking wet at his shoulders, his blue eyes shone brightly at her surrounded by dark circles. His marble white skin now clean of moss and grave dirt. She ran her fingers through his blonde chest hair and down to his stomach. Noticing a patch of moss below his waist she fell to her knees to start scrubbing his thighs and found herself face to face with...it. She had been imagining what his manhood looked like earlier, but nothing could prepare her for this. From base to tip his uncut co*ck was adorned with horizontal dark stripes closely resembling a sandworm. Confused and dumbfounded she let out a loud laugh.

“Oh great, way to boost my self-confidence babes. That’s exactly what a man needs, his dick laughed at.”

“I’m sorry, it’s just…seriously, what is this?”

“Look, weird sh*t happens to you when you die. It’s kind of like a second puberty.”

“Hey, at least it’s big.” She took his co*ck in her hand and started to slowly stroke it. Even semi-hard it towered over any other man she’d ever been with.

“I’m seven and a half hard. All for you honey.” Lydia looked up at him as she continued to stroke. He smiled brightly at her as the drops of water slid down his body. “Well, are you going to suck it?”

She pressed the tip against her lips and gave it a longing kiss. “Sorry, it’s been a really long time since I’ve done this. I’m a bit rusty.”

“Lyds, I can’t even remember the last time I got a blowj*b. Actually, I do remember...but I’d rather not.” He ran his fingers through her wet hair and pulled it back. “Just take your time. I’m sure you’ll be great at this.” Inspired by his confidence in her, and intrigued by his length, Lydia started sucking him furiously, stroking him with one hand and taking him deeper and deeper into her mouth with every suck, motivated by his sharp raspy breaths. His stripes worked as a good depth gauge, motivating her to take him deeper into her every time, each time passing the next stripe, until her forehead was pressed against his stomach. He groaned deeply as he looked down at this sight.

Lydia pulled herself away and looked up at him. “How am I doing? Are you enjoying this?” He looked down at her and without saying a word he picked her up under her armpits, lifted her up, and slammed her against the wall of the shower, knocking the shampoo bottles down with his force. With one fell swoop he spread her legs and forced his entire length inside her. Lydia let out a shocked gasp at the sudden penetration, but he didn’t stop. He thrust himself inside of her again, and again as he buried his face into her neck and started passionately biting. After a few lustful moments Lydia wrapped her legs around his waist and he stepped out of the shower, carrying her to the bedroom. Sopping wet, he tossed her onto the bed. She looked into his dark eyes in lustful suspense, wondering what he was about to do next. He went in for another passionate kiss, biting her lower lip as he pulled himself away. He whispered in her ear “I’m going to blow your f*cking mind tonight.”

Before she could respond his lips moved down to her breasts. He took turns biting, sucking, and squeezing them. Before Lydia had time to respond to this stimulus he headed down to her stomach. She realized where he would be heading next and let out a sigh of anticipation and passion. As he made his way between her legs she leaned back in the bed and smiled brightly. Rory certainly never went down on her, and she couldn’t remember the last time she had this experience. The guys she had been with always groaned and hesitated when she asked for oral sex. Betelgeuse was definitely not this type. As he began eating her out, she could tell that this was one of his many hidden talents, he seemed to know exactly where to kiss, where to lick, and where to suck. And not once did he ever slow down, hesitate, or come up for air. As he progressed she found herself moaning and screaming loudly as though her soul was disassociating from her body. Quickly a warm sensation was radiating through her body starting from between her thighs. She sat up, arched her back, and let out a loud scream as she achieved org*sm. As quickly as she came her body relaxed and she fell back down on the bed. As she stared at the ceiling trying to catch her breath Betelgeuse peered over her, smiling.

“Oh my god, that was incredible...”

“Hey, I’m nowhere near done with you yet. That was just a warm up.”

He pinned her legs back and thrust himself inside of her without warning. Still recovering from her org*sm, she wrapped her arms around him, encouraging his manic demonic thrusts. He panted rapidly and harshly as he thrusted. “How am I doing? Good? You like?” She found herself unable to speak, she nodded her head yes rapidly. He pulled himself away and landed on his back. He motioned to her. “Alright, take the reins for a bit. I want to see you on top.”

Lydia happily obliged him. He gripped fiercely onto her thighs, and she alternated between grinding and bouncing on his co*ck. He looked at her with a toothy grin as her breasts bounced wildly, giving him a stimulating sight. “God damn girl, you really know how to ride. Hey, let’s take it up a notch. Check this out.” Before Lydia could respond she felt his co*ck begin to strongly vibrate inside of her. She didn’t even have time to properly respond or acclimate to this strange change before she felt herself having another org*sm. As she screamed again Betelgeuse shouted “Ladies and gentlemen, everyone loves a sequel! Let’s give it up for round two of Lydia’s org*sm!”

She pulled herself off of him and collapsed on the bed, her body weak and dizzy. “Alright...you win. I think I’m done.”

He sat up and got behind her, grabbing her hips. “We’re done when I say we’re done.” Betelgeuse firmly gripped her ass and started thrusting from behind. Lydia gripped tightly onto the satin bedsheets to steady herself. “Hey, let me know when I’m hitting your g-spot.” She suddenly felt a strange sensation of his dick changing his curve inside of her, she was freaked out but at the same time strangely fascinated.

“Ok, there, you’re hitting it!” Her body felt weak, already pushed to her limit and beyond. And now yet another org*sm was starting to build. Betelgeuse sensed this and started to f*ck her deeper and harder. He grabbed her hair and pulled her head back as she let out a scream. “I’m cumming! I’m cumming!”

“Hear that!? Lydia’s cumming again! Make way for the trilogy!”

Lydia came and collapsed again on the bed. “I’m seriously at my limit. I can’t take much more of this.”

He leaned into her, pressing his stomach against her back and whispering in her ear. “Don’t worry, I’m almost there.” He flipped Lydia on her back. As he thrusted, he caressed her face and looked into her beautiful brown eyes. For centuries he secretly longed for the tender touch of a lover, and now the object of his obsessive affection was finally in his arms tenderly moaning and panting at him. The fulfillment of this desire was almost overwhelming. “I love you, Lydia.” His thrusts became supernaturally quick and deep. She looked up at him as his facial expression changed, his eyes shut, and he winced. “IT’S SHOWTIME!” Betelgeuse pulled out and came all over her stomach. He pulled himself away and collapsed on his back, breathing deeply and trying to collect his thoughts. He looked over at Lydia. “Well, I think it was well worth the wait. I’m curious, where would you rank it?”

Lydia looked at him. “Are you kidding me? That was...beyond amazing.”

He smiled ear to ear. “Hey, I’ve had over 30 years to plan our first time together.”

“God, I can’t even remember the last time I had a real org*sm. Probably before Astrid was born.”

“That’s honestly really sad. I had a feeling pencil dick wasn’t doing it for ya.”

“Are you kidding? He could barely last two minutes.” She looked down at her stomach, in the dark candlelight of the bedroom she noticed she was illuminated by an eerie greenish glow. “Oh my god! What the hell is this?!”

“Oh yeah, my cum glows in the dark. Remember that thing I said about death being a second puberty? This is part of it.” He grabbed a towel out of thin air and started wiping her down. He tossed the towel aside and caressed Lydia’s face. “Hey, I also know how it feels to go without for a long time. Try 600 years. I mean, there was this thing at Dante’s Inferno Room...but that doesn’t really count. I consider that my bachelor party.” He noticed she looked at him with a bit of unease. “If you’d like, every night can be like this from now on.”

Lydia managed a half smile. “Maybe not every night. I might need a couple of days in between to recover.”

“Hey, fair enough.” he continued to stroke her face. “You look so beautiful I can hardly stand it.”

Lydia rested her head on his chest. Her thoughts started to race. After everything that had happened she still had mixed feelings over Betelgeuse. He was gregarious, boisterous, headstrong in his determination, and had a unique ability to crawl under your skin and stay there. But his love for her was equal parts sweet and fascinating. His unending showers of affection was strange to Lydia, and his dedication to her was still confusing to say the least.

He ran his fingers through her wet black hair and gave her a kiss on the forehead. “I could go for round 2 if you’d like?”

Lydia smiled a devilish grin. “Sure Beej.” She gave him a kiss and threw herself on top of him, commencing another round of love making.

Chapter 2: Phantom Producer, BJ Deetz

Chapter Text

The alarm shot off at 6:00 am, waking Lydia with its obnoxious chirps. She rubbed her eyes and sat up, the room had returned to normal. The candles were gone and the satin bedsheets returned to cotton. She glanced to the side of her bed and saw it was empty. Thoughts of last night returned and she found herself wondering if it was all another dream. As she walked into the bathroom she examined herself in front of the mirror, her neck and breasts were covered with red marks from so-called love bites and she felt incredibly sore in the most tender areas of her body. If this had been a dream, it was very realistic. Lydia glanced over to the laundry basket and saw his trademark striped suit peaking out of the top.

“He’s still here…”Lydia thought to herself. She continued her morning routine, got dressed in a long black gown, brushed her hair and teeth, and carefully covered the marks on her neck with makeup. As she made her way down the stairs she could hear the sizzle of the stove and the sound of music radiating from the walls of the kitchen.

The first thing she noticed was plates upon plates of every kind of breakfast food imaginable on the dining room table. She glanced upwards at the kitchen and saw her new husband dressed in a dark checkered robe flipping pancakes on the stove.

He turned around and smiled. “Mornin’ babes! I didn’t know what you and Astrid normally eat for breakfast, so I made a little of everything.”

Lydia stood a little taken aback. “Wow…I mean normally I just have coffee.”

He approached her and placed his hands on her shoulders. “What can I say? I’m a trophy husband now. And I have two girls I have to spoil rotten.” He grabbed her close and gave her a kiss.

Lydia snapped her head back. “Your mold grew back.”

“Yeah, it doesn’t stay gone for very long. It’s part of my charm.”

Lydia sat down at the table and started to pick apart a piece of French toast. Betelgeuse sat by her and watched lovingly as she started to rub her tender jaw.

“Mouth still sore from last night?” He put his hand up to his mouth and did a perfect mimicry of Lydia’s gags and slurps from the night before.

“Hey, knock it off!” Lydia picked up a donut and tossed it at him, he flinched as it hit him in the face. “Don’t make fun of me.”

“Hey, it’s a compliment! You give world class head babes.”

Astrid entered the kitchen, eyes wide. She sat down and looked at her plate in silence.

“What’s wrong kid? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Betelgeuse laughed at his own joke.

“I got no sleep last night…” Astrid said quietly.

“Yeah, neither did your mom and I.” Betelgeuse took his foot and rubbed it against Lydia’s under the table.

“I can’t believe you’re still here. Don’t you have to go to heaven or something?

“Oh Astrid, this IS my heaven. Being with my two girls.”

Lydia took a sip of her coffee. “He’s not going anywhere Astrid. And besides I don’t think I could get rid of him if I wanted to.”

Astrid started stabbing a pancake with her fork. “Well, if he’s sticking around, I highly suggest you soundproof your bedroom!”

Lydia suddenly blushed beet red. She realized her sounds of enthusiasm from last night could be heard outside her four walls. She was mortified.

Betelgeuse was unfazed. “Alright, I’ll add it to the suggestion box.” He said between mouthfuls of food. “So babes, what’s on the agenda today?”

“Work. We’re way behind filming Ghost House.”

“I’ve been thinking of that. I think this season…”

“I’m going to stop you there. I think we need to set up some boundaries.”

“Boundaries?” He looked at her strangely.

“Yes, boundaries. Stay away from work! I don’t need you haunting the set and causing a scene. Consider yourself confined to this house.”

“So what, I’m supposed to stay at home all day, eat bon bons and watch daytime tv?”

“I’m sure you can find positive healthy ways to entertain yourself.”

“Ugh. You know, the more you tell me not to do something the more I want to do it. Right?”

Astrid stood up. “Yeah I don’t see this marriage working out. Good luck finding a ghost divorce attorney. Do the dead need to pay alimony?”

“Very cute Astrid.” Lydia said.

“Whatever. I’m going back upstairs.”

“And I need to leave for work.” Lydia got up and headed out the door. As she sat in her car to leave, she heard a tapping on her windshield. Betelgeuse stood outside making sad puppy dog eyes and pouting. She rolled her window down. “What now?”

“I’m gonna miss you soooooo much.” He said almost pathetically.

“I’ll be back before you know it. Stay out of trouble today. I mean it.” She gave him a kiss and headed down the road. It was a mind-numbing drive to the set. One of those drives where you have absolutely no memory of driving but somehow you blink and you’re at your destination. As she approached the sound stage she could see the crew gathered around tightly, all of their combined eyes in awe listening to an all too familiar raspy voice.

“Alright, this season of Ghost House is going to be the best one yet! The stories are going to be real, raw, and totally unfiltered.” Betelgeuse was standing in the middle of the entire crew, dressed in all black donning dark sunglasses indoors and a director's beret. He turned around, “Lydia!” He gave her a big kiss in front of everyone. “The star of the show! Primetime’s only true medium and a gothic hostess so beautiful she puts Elvira to shame!”

“What are you doing here?! I told you to stay home!” Her voice was quiet, curt, and harsh.

“The name’s BJ Deetz amongst the living babes. And ya know, I considered staying at home for a good thirty seconds. But then I realized you have an opening for manager and producer since you and the worm split ways.”

“But...but...you can’t be here! I mean, you don’t want to get found out, do you?”

“Nah, I don’t really care about that. Besides, all these numskulls work in daytime television. They can’t be that smart anyways. Just consider me an uncredited phantom producer.”

After some scurrying on set, the show got on the road. Lydia was presented with a couple, terrified out of their wits over a haunting at their new home. As she watched the footage they submitted one thing was for certain. This was no routine haunting, the snakes slithering out of the outlets, blood rushing down the walls, maniacal deep voiced laughter ringing out, this was the haunting work of her new husband. She sat fascinated watching his handiwork. He was truly a master of his craft.

Betelgeuse watched his wife from behind the camera lovingly. The object of his undying love and affection was finally his, mind, body, and soul. For decades he had fantasized of the different ways to please her, and these various scenarios were running rampant through his head. His excitement manifested itself physically. He motioned over at Lydia as she was interviewing her guest. She glanced over at her husband, he waved his hands around pointing to his erection causing his pants to stick out. Lydia rolled her eyes at him and scowled, unamused and a little embarrassed.

Later that evening, Lydia sat in bed, dressed in a black nightgown, the straps hanging off her shoulders. In the distance she could hear the sounds of the shower running and Betelgeuse singing loudly to some forgotten 70’s disco track. Her phone was pinging repeatedly, and she looked at the screen. Dozens of text messages were coming in from someone she had previously cut all contact with.

“You are nothing. You have always been nothing.” flashed across the top of her screen. It was from Rory. Apparently fully recovered from his run in with a sandworm, unfortunately.

“I heard shooting started today on the next season. Good luck. It will be cancelled without me.”

“I look forward to hearing about you having another mental break down on set. I hope someone records it. It will be hilarious. And I won’t be there to bail you out.”

“You need medication. You need to be institutionalized. You need a bat to the side of the head.”

“You aren’t getting any younger Lydia. Good luck finding a man as good as me. And good luck with your ghost. Hope you two are happy together.”

“f*cking bitch. Answer me.”

Lydia sat scrolling through the barrage of messages, there were dozens more. Each one cutting her deeper than the last. The door to the bathroom swung open and Betelgeuse stepped out. He stood at the front of the bed, dropped his towel seductively and started doing a little “mating dance” for Lydia. She looked up, still with a sour look on her face, and looked back down on her screen.

“What? The sight of your new husband naked and fresh out of the shower isn’t doing anything for ya?” He jumped in bed and crawled next to her. “I showered just for you, AND brushed my teeth.”

She sat her phone down on her chest. She felt a black wave of depression and worthlessness from all the messages she just read. “Betelgeuse, what do you see in me?”

“Ah, lucky for you I made a list.” From behind his back he pulled out a paper scroll and unfurled it, it ran past the foot of the bed and rolled out on the floor. “I started this list 30 years ago. Let’s see I wrote ‘I love Lydia because she is melancholic, moody, smart, witty, sharp tongued, and sensitive to things around her people can’t see. She enjoys photography, fashion, poetry, and black and white horror movies. Lydia is far superior to the fleshbags around her, even though she doesn’t seem to know it. She has a subtle sadness about her and could use a friend that can make her laugh. If she let me, I would do anything in my power to make her smile.’ Want me to go on?”

“Please do.”

“Her jet black hair shines under the lights in the attic, her alabaster white skin is soft and warm.” He put the list down and looked at Lydia, stroking her face. “She has the most beautiful set of brown eyes that I could stare into for hours. Her tender heart beat sets the rhythm to my soul. Her petite size 6 feet make the most beautiful sound when walking in leather boots on hardwood floors. Her lips are round and soft, and oh so kissable.” He leaned into her and kissed her. “She has the most adorable freckles on her chest. Her breasts are the perfect size to fit into my hands.” He pulled her nightgown down and placed his hands on her breasts. After another tender moment he slid his hand down her stomach and under the elastic of her panties. “She has the most wonderful pink velvet that she calls a puss*, and I’d willingly suffer centuries just to be inside it for a moment.” Lydia sighed as he started to stroke her, but their passion was interrupted by the vibration of her phone. Betelgeuse picked it up and recoiled at reading the text. His eyes darted rapidly reading the previous messages from Rory.

“Don’t read that.”

“I’ll f*cking kill him.” His voice sounded extremely unpleasant. “I’ll tear him limb from limb with my teeth, rip his entrails out through his nostrils, shove bamboo under his fingernails, boil him alive in his own juices, I’ll...”

“Stop. It’s unnecessary.”

“Really Lydia? You think I’m going to sit back and let someone say these things to my soulmate? My wife! Need I remind you I’m more than capable of murder?”

“Actually, if you want to get revenge, I have an idea that would me infinitely more fun.”

“You have my attention babes.”

Rory sat at home in his living room, sitting by his phone. He was sour and despondent over how things ended with Lydia. He spent his days plotting his next move, letting his temper fly over texts with his former fiancé. Suddenly his phone started to ring, it was a video call from Lydia.

He answered, “Lydia...”

“Hi Rory!” Lydia’s smile shined brightly through the phone screen. Rory’s eyes were drawn to her bare shoulders and down to her breasts. Lydia was topless.

Betelgeuse’s head popped up behind Lydia’s. “Hey Rory! Guess what we’re doing?”

Rory’s heart skipped a beat when he saw Betelgeuse next to Lydia. He still tried compartmentalizing his run in with the sandworms, trying to brush it off as a strange drug induced dream. And seeing Betelgeuse again shocked him back into reality. “W-w-w-what are you doing?”

Lydia and Betelgeuse shouted in unison. “We’re f*cking!” Lydia angled her phone down so Rory could get a clear view of Betelgeuse’s striped dick sliding in and out of Lydia.

In an instinctive moment of disgust Rory tried ending the call, but no matter how many times he pushed the button it wouldn’t hang up, and he couldn’t shut the phone off either. He tried looking away but he felt a supernatural pull forcing him to watch.

Lydia started panting and moaning loudly. “Hear that? It’s the sounds of Lydia actually enjoying sex! Something I don’t think you’ve ever heard before. And I’m getting inches deeper than you ever could. Come on Lydia, tell our captive audience how much you like this.”

“Aaah! I’m f*cking! I’m f*cking! Oh my God! Don’t pull out!”

“I’m almost there babes...”

Lydia smiled and winked at the camera “come inside...if you dare.”

“Alright...here it comes. Lydia, angle the phone down and get the money shot.” Rory watched in equal parts shock, disgust, and fascination as he had a front row view to Betelgeuse giving Lydia a ghostly cream pie. Off white and slightly green cum leaking out of Lydia directly on his screen. The phone moved away from the scene to Betelgeuse’s face, his eyebrows arched and angry. “You may have been there before me, but I’m here now. And I’m doing it better than you could ever manage to do in your wildest dreams. Remember this the next time you even think about saying that sh*t to Lydia. Oh, and by the way, not only did I steal your girl but I also have your job! Think of my face when you file for unemployment. Goodbye!” He ended the call and slammed the phone down. He wrapped his arms around Lydia and buried his face in her neck. “God, that was fun. More fun than killing the guy. You’re so right honey.”

“I think you scarred him for life! Oh that was great! I love you Beej.”

His head perked up. “Oh wow, that was the first time I think you ever said you loved me.”

Lydia paused. “I think you’re right.” She rolled over facing Betelgeuse and gave him a kiss. “Come on, how about another round?”

“You read my mind Lyds.”

Chapter 3: R/GhostHouse

Chapter Text

Astrid sat on the couch, flipping through shows on Netflix, trying to find something to binge for the weekend she was at home. Since her mom got remarried, and after the once-in-a-lifetime experience they went through together on Halloween, Lydia was insistent they spend more time together on the weekends. Truthfully, Astrid didn’t mind. She felt closer with her mom than she had in years. But she did have a problem with...him.

Betelgeuse annoyingly plopped down next to Astid on the couch, bowl of popcorn in his lap. “So kid, what are we watching today?”

Astrid scowled. “How about Ghostbusters...”/

Betelgeuse paused as he shoved a handful of popcorn in his mouth. “I feel like that’s a personal dig at me. But I’ll let it slide.”

“How about Deadly Women? It’s a show about women who kill their husbands.”

“Alright, now you’re getting a little personal, kid.” He put his arm around Astrid’s shoulder and pulled her close. “Look, your mom says you’re going through, what she calls, a transitional period right now. But I’m willing to be patient. I love your mother, and by extension I love you too. I feel like we could become real pals, you and me. We both have this teenage angst and subtle nihilism thing going on. And I could seriously get into the whole environmental thing! I’m all for putting more holes in the ozone layer!”

Astrid pulled herself away. “Holes in the ozone layer is a BAD thing...dumbass. It's killing our planet.”

“Oh. That must be why I’m for it then. Send more people to my side. Hey, maybe I could go to an environmental protest together with you! We can make signs together!” He changed his outfit to something straight out of Woodstock, tie dye shirt, round glasses, bellbottom striped jeans and held up a sign that said ‘SAVE THE TREES!’

Astrid rolled her eyes. “You seriously are the most annoying...thing...I’ve ever met in my life.”

“Thanks. I appreciate it. I was voted the afterlife’s most annoying poltergeist 325 consecutive years in a row!”

Lydia entered the room, shopping bag in her hand. “Hey you two. Nice to see you together.”

Astrid rolled her eyes. “As if I have a choice.”

Lydia tossed a box on Betelgeuse’s lap. “I have a present for you.”

He fumbled with the box and opened it, holding up a new iPhone. “Really? A cell phone?”

“I thought it would come in handy, in case we need to communicate whenever we’re apart. I already put me and Astrid’s contacts in there.”

“Babes, I’m much more of an in-person communicator.”

“Astrid, I was hoping you’d show him how to use it. Maybe teach him about the internet.”

Astrid moaned. “Really?! I don’t want to spend this weekend teaching this ultra boomer how to use the internet!”

Betelgeuse spoke up. “I’m sort of with you there. Do you really think I’m the kind of guy who wants to spend all my free time talking to other asshole fleshbags on the internet?”

“Oh, you’ll like it.” Lydia leaned in closely and whispered in his ear. “You can use it to look up p*rn.”

His eyes got big. “Alright, Astrid, show me how to use this thing. Show me how to do a google.”

Lydia stood up. “Alright, I’ll be in the kitchen making lunch. Have fun you two.” Lydia walked over in the kitchen as her two family members started to bond. As she opened the fridge, fishing out ingredients to make a sandwich she started having regrets. Maybe giving her husband access to the internet was going to open up a Pandora’s box of sorts? As she started to prepare lunch she felt a vibrating in her pocket. She grabbed her phone and saw a message from a new contact. “Hi Lydia!”

“Alright Astrid, I sent my first text. Now what do I do?”

“Just wait. People usually don’t respond right away.”

He felt his phone vibrate. “Hey, it’s shaking. What did I do?”

“You got a text. Open it.”

He opened messenger and saw a message from Lydia, a single black heart emoji. “What do these pictures mean?”

“That’s an emoji. Sometimes people use those to represent a thought without words. I’ll show you how to use them.” She directed Betelgeuse to his emoji keyboard.

“Why are there so many pictures? When the hell is anyone ever going to send an eggplant emoji?”

“Oh, yeah. Sometimes emojis represent things other than is pictured.”

“What does the eggplant mean?”

“You’re going to have to figure that out for yourself. Some things I don’t feel like explaining.”

His eyebrows lifted in understanding. “Oh, I think I catch your drift. Nice. I think I’m going to send the eggplant emoji to your mom.” He spammed messenger with eggplant emojis to Lydia and hit send. “She just texted me back ‘LOL.’”

“That means ‘laugh out loud.’ She thinks that’s funny.”

“Ok, I’m starting to get it, this is fun! Hey, let’s take a selfie. I’ve heard of those!”

Lydia’s phone went off again, she was being sent a picture of Betelgeuse and Astrid, his arm was around her shoulder pulling her in and he was making a ridiculous duck face. Astrid was scowling, looking annoyed. “That’s very cute BJ. Glad to see you getting the hang of modern technology.”

Betelgeuse smiled at her text. “Alright Astrid, show me more! Tell me about this social media crap I’ve heard about.”

“Well, there’s different apps for different things. There’s X, or Twitter for sharing your thoughts. Instagram for photos, TikTok for short videos, and Facebook is where old people connect with friends and family.”

“Does your mom do social media?”

“Not really. She hasn’t posted to her instagram account in months. She prefers her privacy. Too many trolls that talk about her show.”

“Trolls? And they bother Lydia? How do I find these trolls?”

“Reddit mostly. Trust me, you don’t want to go there.”

“I think I do. Show me.”

In the dark corners of the internet lied a little subreddit called R/GhostHouse. It started off as a place where people could talk about the show, discuss episodes and the various hauntings featured. But as the series progressed the subreddit devolved into sh*tpost memes, posting creepshots of Lydia in public, general thirsting after Lydia and harsh criticism of the latest episodes.
“A few months ago, Lydia was supposed to get married to her manager Rory. People were talking about it all over social media, but nothing was ever posted. What happened? I’m curious.”

This was the reply: “She ended up not marrying Rory and instead had a private ceremony with a longstanding admirer and her biggest fan, someone she’s known since she was a teenager. Besides, Rory was a piece of f*cking sh*t and a massive cuck.” This response was from the so subtly named “Mr_Deetz.”

“LOL, ok, do you have a source?”

“Just trust me on this one.”

Another post went as follows: “I wanted to discuss the new season of Ghost House seriously, and without all the stupid memes and coomers talking about Lydia’s cleavage. Do you think they’re trying a little too hard? I mean, the hauntings went from rattling cabinets to full on horror territory. Like that house where blood was oozing down the walls. It was incredibly graphic for daytime TV. I know the show is fake, and I heard there is a new producer. Did Lydia Deetz really jump the shark?”

“First off, the show isn’t fake. The hauntings are real, raw, and totally unfiltered. I can tell you with 100% certainty that Lydia Deetz’s powers are real, and truly something to behold. If it’s too much for you I recommend more age-appropriate shows like Sesame Street or SpongeBob.”

“Seriously dude, chill. You’re clearly one of the Lydia simps. I’m just giving fair criticism.”

“A simp you say? I’ll have you know I get rock hard with my wife a minimum of three times a week and always leave her with squirting org*sms. I checked your post history; you’re always posting about Pokemon and other Chinese little girl games. How about instead of focusing on 20-year-old video games, you try to find a 20-year-old girl? You’ve probably never even TOUCHED a real vagin*.”

“Chinese little girl games? Really? Your ignorance is showing through the screen.”

“Sorry, I don’t have time to check nationalities on sh*t I don’t care about. I’m far too busy getting my dick sucked to care.”

Another user made the following post: “You guys, I feel like Lydia gives really toothy head. Just a thought I wanted to put out there.”

“I feel like you should add the following to your amazon wish list: A rope, a stepstool, and a ceiling fan. But make sure it’s a really sturdy rope, you probably weigh over 400 pounds.”

“Logoff. I encourage you to go outside and touch grass.”

“I encourage you to kill yourself. And I mean that with utmost sincerity.”

“I’m seriously amazed at the stuff you’ve been posting to this subreddit today. You have mental issues Mr_Deetz.”

“I’m seriously amazed and the vast amount of Mountain Dew and Cheetos you consume in a day. I would love to drill a hole in your forehead and watch all the sap run out.”

Another user stepped in. “Can mods ban this guy already? He won’t stop cyberbullying.”

“I will stop cyberbullying the day your mom stops giving me head. And I know your mother is dead. That makes this even funnier.”

Another user fanned the flames. “I just want to say Ghost House has to be the worst show on television. Just putting it out there. Patiently awaiting the comment I will get from Mr_Deetz.”

“Hey loser, get on your knees and lick my scrotum, and choke on it. Because I’m 10 times better than you. I just did a google search, suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. It honestly should be #1, starting with you. I should honestly volunteer for the suicide helpline, so I could instruct morons like you how to do it. Remember, it’s down the road not across the street.”

“Seriously, there are children on this subreddit!”

“Good. I’m tired of all these children. Honestly, we should use the children on this website to barter for goods and services instead of cutting down trees to make currency. Because the children on this subreddit are more bountiful than trees and a trees life is worth more.”

“Wow. I just wanted to say I love all your posts. The most entertaining thing to happen to this subreddit in years. Take my Reddit gold.”

Lydia entered the bedroom by slamming the door open loudly. Betelgeuse was sitting on the bed rapidly typing on his phone.

“Log off...NOW!” She reached over and grabbed his phone out of his hands.

“Oh come on! I was having fun! It's a husband's duty to defend his wife’s honor.”

“Astrid sent me screenshots of what you’re doing. I can’t believe you’re telling people to kill themselves, knowing what you know! The things you've been saying are vile and absolutely disgusting! And way to pick a really inconspicuous username, Mr_Deetz. I can’t believe you sometimes...” She rolled over on her side with his phone in her hands.

He reached over and stroked her back. “Hey, I’m sorry babes. I won’t do it anymore. And you know...I never did find the p*rn on this thing...”

Lydia sighed and started typing on his phone. “Here you go. Entertain yourself.” She handed the device to him.

“Oh...there it is! Oh wow...we don’t have stuff like this in the afterlife.”

“Knock yourself out. I’m going to bed.”

He rolled over and rubbed himself against his wife. “The internet is fun and all, but I think I prefer human interaction. Skin to skin contact.” He started breathing on her neck seductively rubbing himself against her. “Uh oh, I think you summoned a sandworm.”

She sighed. “Alright. We can have sex if you promise never to call your penis a sandworm ever again.”

“You drive a hard bargain. But it’s a deal babes.”

Chapter 4: Inconceivable

Chapter Text

“So, the demons in my house can only inhabit small things like kitchen appliances and small decor items.” Today’s guest on the show was summarizing a routine haunting going out at their house.

“I see, and these demons...” Lydia paused, she felt a tingle between her thighs. “Sorry. These demons, do they bother you during the day or is it worse at night.” The sensation increased.

“Oh it’s worse at night...” the guest droned on. But Lydia was now fully distracted by this familiar sensation that was building. She looked at the set, Betelgeuse was standing behind the camera smiling devilishly making ‘come hither’ motions with his fingers. Which was reciprocating in her unmentionables. This wasn’t the first time he did this little trick with Lydia. Stimulating her without touching, while she was in public or doing something important was his favorite game to play with her.

“Stop!” Lydia silently mouthed at him. He ignored her request. Lydia put her hand over her mouth to contain her squeals as he made her vibrate and replicated the feeling of intercourse. She tried slamming her thighs shut but kept feeling them forced open. The crew noticed something was odd with Lydia and focused the cameras on her.

“See! The demon possession I’ve been talking about! It’s possessing you!” said the guest in shock.

Lydia tried to contain herself. Her eyes focused on her husband behind the camera smiling and laughing at his handiwork. “Ok, can we cut? I think I need a break.” The stage lights went down and the cameras shut off. Lydia stood up and made a beeline for Betelgeuse. She ran up to him and fiercely grabbed his tie and led him down the hall.

“Hold on, producer meeting in the dressing room. Give us 15 minutes, maybe 10.” Betelgeuse said. He knew he was getting exactly what he wanted. And as Lydia dragged him to the dressing room his feet struggled to keep up with hers. As they entered her dressing room, she grabbed her husband and pinned him against the wall. She wanted to scream at him for embarrassing her in front of the crew and audience, especially when she told him not to do this sh*t dozens upon dozens of times. But she found herself so incredibly aroused that it was no use fighting it. Without saying a word she started tearing his clothes off, pulling his pants down, and she fell to her knees.

There was a knock on the door. “Everything ok in there?” It was Becky, one of the assistant producers.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. Just performing a little exorcism on Lydia.” Betelgeuse shouted from the other side of the door.

Becky groaned. She turned to one of her assistants standing beside her. “Seriously, I don’t see how we’re going to get this season wrapped up with all these delays. It feels like almost every shoot after Christmas break, they have to stop and have sex.”

“Well, I do like working with her new husband BJ. I think this new season will be great. The stories are juicer, more dynamic. You can hear real terror in the guests stories.”

They both heard the sound of moans and glass being broken. “Say do you think something is...different...about BJ? He just seems a little...odd.”

“He told me he was anemic. And that he had a skin condition.”

“I guess that makes sense.”

The lovemaking session continued in the dressing room with demonic fury. Betelgeuse was enjoying tossing Lydia around the room, knocking over the items on her dresser, pinning her against the ceiling, smashing her mirrors, levitating off the floor, before deciding on pinning her against the couch. Lydia was enraptured with him, moaning loudly and leaving scratch marks against the dead skin of his back. As he approached his org*sm Lydia shouted in his ear “I love you! I love you! I love you!”

He finished his org*sm, and his face quickly went from an expression of bliss to one of sullen contempt. He pulled himself off of her and pulled his pants up, looking displeased. Lydia looked up at him, a little confused. “Something wrong?”

“Lydia, it’s just...” He shook his head. “Nothing. I don’t wanna get into it.”

“No, something’s wrong.”

“Alright, I’ll say it. The only time you ever tell me you love me, or show me any kind of affection is when we’re f*cking.” Lydia instinctively wanted to tell him this wasn’t the truth, but as she thought for a moment, she knew he was right. “I mean don't get me wrong, I like the regular sex we’ve been having. But I want a deeper connection with you. I love you so much Lydia, and I want to know you love me back.”

“I...I don’t know what to say.” She thought about his words, sure they had the tv show together, and evenings at the dinner table. But he was right, aside from the occasional text message, dry conversations about the show, and sex in the evening they weren’t together that much. “I don’t know what more you want from me.”

Betelgeuse stood up and buttoned his shirt up. “Look, I just need to clear my head for a bit.” He opened the door to the dressing room and was greeted by the crew outside. “Lydia’s gonna need new hair and makeup for the next scene. I kinda messed it up.”

Lydia pulled herself together and headed down to hair and makeup. She sat in the chair as Donna, her trusted makeup lady started working her magic. Lydia looked in the mirror and saw her mascara and eyeliner were comically smudged.

“Everything ok with you?” Donna asked.

“I don’t know. I think I’m having marriage troubles.”

“With BJ? He seems like a nice guy. A little heavy on the eyeliner though.”

“He is, I mean. He’s a handful. It’s just...I’m not sure if I love him.”

“Well why the hell did you marry him if you don’t love him?”

“It’s a long complicated story.”

“Well, no offense, but everybody knows about the romps you two have been having in the dressing room. He must not be all bad.”

Lydia felt a tinge of embarrassment. “Can you keep this between us? He’s really good in bed. Like really good. But I’m not sure if we have any other connection.”

“Listen sister, sometimes between takes he comes in here to bug me. And all he does is talk about you.”

“Really?”

“Oh yes, he just gushes on how beautiful you are, he tells me stories about when you were a teenager, and what a great kid Astrid is. The man is head over heels in love with you. Frankly, I’d be flattered.”

“I don’t know. For some reason I have a hard time feeling it.”

“Look, if you’re waiting for a man who shoots Jack Daniel’s and ice cream out his co*ck it’s not gonna happen.”

Lydia thought to herself. “He can probably do that...”

“In life women often have to settle. But baby, you hit the jackpot with BJ!”

“I guess you’re right.”

“I’m no marriage counsellor but maybe try faking it for a while. And eventually you won’t be faking it anymore.”

Lydia thought of these words for the rest of the shoot. She thought about Betelgeuse, how she really did find herself fond of him. But his love bombing could be a bit intense, and she wasn’t exactly a warm affectionate person. Her eyes kept darting around the set, hoping to see him, but he had disappeared. He must have gone home for the day. Things seemed to go smoothly without his interruptions, but she found herself missing him.

Later that evening, Lydia entered the home with some trepidation. She went to the living room and saw Astrid on the couch texting on her phone.

“Hey. Where’s your step-father?”

Astrid responded without looking up. “He’s on the balcony.”

“Did he say anything to you?”

“No. He’s been pretty quiet. Which is nice.”

Lydia approached the glass sliding doors of the balcony where Betelgeuse was leaning against the railing. His striped suit standing out like a beacon against the cold winter air. As she approached him she smelled the strong odor of cigarette smoke and noticed several crumpled up packs at his feet and dozens of cigarette butts. He had been chain smoking for a while now. She watched in silence as he put another cigarette up to his lips and took a drag. Lydia thought of the words she was going to say to him, but was at a loss. Instead she walked behind him, wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head against his back.

“Hey Lyds. I’d recognize your touch anywhere.”

“I’m sorry about earlier. I really do love you. I’ve just been having a hard time showing it.”

He smashed his cigarette butt. “I know babes.”

“But I want to work on it. I’ve been doing some thinking. You’re probably the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time.”

“Probably? You know I am.” He said with a confident smile.

“I just never have been loved before. Not by my parents, Richard, Rory, anyone. It’s a new sensation to me, and sometimes you can be a bit overwhelming.”

“Overwhelming? Me?”

“Oh yes. Maybe I just need some time to figure things out for a bit? Maybe we can take things slow and easy for a while? Give me some time to get adjusted.”

He turned to face her. “Hey, I have the patience of a saint babes. I’ve waited this long to have you, I think I can hold on a little more. I mean, I have been surviving off crumbs for years now.”

“And maybe stop messing with me when I’m shooting my show.”

“Oh, come on, can’t a guy have a little fun? And I think you secretly like it.”

He leaned in and gave her a kiss. Lydia recoiled in disgust. “Ugh! Remind me to never kiss you when you’ve been smoking! It’s like licking an ashtray!”

He laughed and rested his chin on the top of her head. “You know you are very short. You’re a whole two apples tall.”

As the couple stood on the balcony, their arms wrapped around each other in an embrace of love and understanding, a small gruesome miracle was happening inside Lydia. Inside her womb Betelgeuse’s seed was taking on a life of its own. Normally sperm mindlessly swim in a random direction hoping to find an egg. But Betelgeuse’s seed was far from normal, instead they attacked each other like rabid dogs, fighting with each other like some sort of reproductive thunder dome. Each sperm taking on animalistic characteristics, like sporting horns, teeth, and claws. One sperm was particularly bloodthirsty and vicious, felling enemies with a single swipe of its tail, ripping the heads off its prey. It bore the genes of a warrior princess. After a day of hard battles and conquering millions of enemies it shone victorious, and made the victory lap inside Lydia’s fallopian tubes and implanted itself in one of Lydia’s last remaining eggs. As the two genetic materials collided Lydia felt a ping deep inside of her. Her head went from resting on his chest to jolting up at him.

“Something wrong Lyds?”

“I just felt something inside me. Something weird.”

“I think what you’re feeling is the sting of cupid’s arrow.”

“Yeah, maybe you’re right.” She rested her head on his chest and continued the embrace.

They were interrupted by Astrid sliding the glass door open. “Hey it’s 7:00. Where’s dinner? I’m starving.”

Betelgeuse rolled his eyes. “Can’t you see your mother and I are in the middle of something right now?”

Lydia looked up. “Astrid, you’re 16. You can make your own dinner now. Your stepfather and I are having a moment.” Astrid huffed and slammed the door shut. “2 more years Beej, and we’ll have the house to ourselves.”

“Looking forward to the empty nest?”

“Oh, you have no idea.” She squeezed him tighter, completely unaware of the genetic disaster that was now starting to brew inside of her.

Chapter 5: Avoid At All Costs

Chapter Text

Time’s arrow marched forward. Astrid was now home visiting on the weekend, she found herself making more trips to see her mom and step dad. The visits were often interesting, albeit annoying at times. After several months of looking, she gave up on trying to find a loophole to banish her step-father. She found herself getting adjusted to the new normalcy of her family life, albeit it a very abnormal normalcy.

Astrid sat at the kitchen table while Betelgeuse stood at the stove. “Pancakes again?”

“Oh yeah, it’s becoming my Saturday morning tradition.” He placed a plate of heart shaped pancakes in front of Astrid. He wore a frilly lacy apron that clashed with his striped suit. “I’m surprised your mom isn’t up yet. She’s normally such an early bird.” As soon as he spoke Lydia walked in the kitchen, she was rubbing her eyes. “Speak of the devil, and she shall appear.”

Lydia sat down at the table as Betelgeuse gave her a kiss on the forehead and placed a plate of pancakes in front of her. “Thanks, but I don’t think I can eat this morning. I don’t feel well.” As soon as she spoke she bolted up. Frantically she ran in the kitchen and started violently vomiting in the kitchen trash. Betelgeuse followed behind her and held her hair back and laughed. “Not funny Beej, I feel awful.”

“Uh oh.” Astrid said. “This is why I didn’t eat those fish tacos last night. I knew something was rotten about them.”

Lydia continued to vomit as Betelgeuse patted her back. “Really think so?”

“Yup. I bet you gave mom food poisoning.”

Lydia gasped. “I’m seriously fine...” as soon as she spoke, she started vomiting again.

“Seriously. That sh*t will kill you.”

Betelgeuse suddenly became very worried. “Lydia, I’m taking you to the doctor. You are way too young to join me in the afterlife.” Before Lydia could respond he picked her up and walked her to the car.

“Seriously, I’m fine.”

“I’m not taking the risk. Poisoning is no laughing matter. Believe me, I know.” She looked out the window as her nausea came and went in waves. As they arrived at the clinic Betelgeuse got out of the car and picked Lydia up in his arms, carrying her to the doctor’s office.

“Seriously, I’m fine. I can walk.”

“Hey, you’re my wife. It’s my job to take care of you and make sure you have a long, natural life. And keep you alive for as long as possible.” He approached the receptionist. “Yeah, my wife ate some bad fish and needs to be seen, pronto.”

The receptionist looked up at him, her jaw dropping. “Sir, I think you are the one who needs medical attention. You look like you just crawled out of a coffin.”

“It’s called fashion sweetie. I believe the kids call it emo. Are you going to help my wife or not?”

“Sure. Take a seat sir, we’ll call you when it’s your turn.”

The couple sat down next to a fish tank. Lydia surveyed the waiting room while Betelgeuse was fascinated by the fish, almost hypnotized.

“We should get a fish Lyds. Maybe a piranha? I think it would be fun to watch it eat other fish.”

The mention of fish reminded her of last night’s meal. She tried fighting the nausea as well as she could, but she found herself puking all over Betelgeuse’s lap. “Aaah...God I’m so sorry.”

He patted her on the back, grabbed a napkin from his pocket and started dabbing the mess. “Don't worry about it. Not the first time a woman has ever thrown up on me. You know I’m really worried about you. I already killed one wife. I really hope I don’t end up killing another.”

“Lydia.” The nurse called out for her, signaling it was her turn. The couple got up and made their way to the doctor’s office. Lydia sat on the paper lined bench while Betelgeuse fascinated himself with the plastic anatomical skeleton. As they waited for the doctor, he made the skeleton do a merry little dance. He smiled over at Lydia, hoping to get a response but she just frowned and looked worried.

The doctor entered the room “Good morning, I’m Dr. Fleischman. I hear you think you have food poisoning. What did you eat and when?” He looked over at Betelgeuse. “Sir, you seriously don’t look good. Are you ok?”

“Just ignore my husband. He’s fine. I ate fish. Last night.”

“Well, if it was scombroid poisoning you’d be sick right away. Any diarrhea?”

“No, just god-awful nausea.”

The doctor got up and started examining Lydia, pressing down on her stomach. “When was your last menstrual cycle?”

“Oh gosh, I don’t know. It’s been a little bit. I think I might be starting menopause.”

“Any hot flashes?”

“No.”

“I see. Have you been having unprotected sex?”

Betelgeuse smiled. “Lots of it.”

“I’m going to have you take a pregnancy test. And we’ll go from there.”

Lydia was shocked. “There’s no way I’m pregnant...I’m too old! And my husband...no way! It’s impossible.”

“Well, you’d be surprised, I’ve had patients blindsided before. I’ll have a nurse come in here in a moment and take you to the restrooms for a urine sample.”

The doctor left the room, and Lydia turned her attention to her husband. “Can you believe this? He thinks I’m pregnant. But it’s impossible...right? Ghosts can’t get the living pregnant. Right?!”

He looked around the room nervously. “Well...I mean, it’s super rare. Only happens once every couple of centuries. I think the last time is when this Victorian medium got a little too friendly with the ghosts she was summoning via seances.”

Lydia was furious, “You mean you knew you could get me pregnant, and you never wore a condom?!”

“You never asked!”

“I might actually be pregnant...you...motherf*cker!”

“Literally!”

They were interrupted by the nurse coming in to take Lydia back to the restroom. Lydia walked down the hallway feeling like she was being led to her execution. She felt even sicker than she had that morning, but she had nothing left to throw up. She did her deed and made it back to the room. She sat on the papered bench and buried her head in her hands. Betelgeuse tried patting her on the back and she swatted him away. After a few tense moments the doctor returned.

“Congratulations! You’re pregnant! I’d place you at about 8 or 9 weeks.”

Betelgeuse smiled brightly. “Oh wow...”

Lydia slowly looked up. Her face was sheet white. “Doctor, what are my options here?”

“Well, your options are parenthood, adoption, or termination. Which direction are you leaning towards?”

“Termination.”

Betelgeuse looked at her, shocked. “What do you mean termination?!”

The doctor interrupted. “I can get you some pamphlets from the nearest abortion clinic.”

Betelgeuse stood between her and the doctor. “Lydia, you are NOT thinking what I think you’re thinking!”

The doctor became a bit nervous. “Ok, I think I will leave you two alone for a bit. I’ll have a nurse come by with the pamphlets.”

The doctor left and Betelgeuse spoke up. “I’m not letting you kill our unborn child.”

“Kill?! It’s already dead! I’m not carrying...your monstrosity!”

He rolled his eyes and stomped his foot. “Look, if you’re talking about that gag I pulled at the therapists office, it was just a joke! Our baby is not going to be like that! I mean...I think...”

“Look, even if we’re having a normal human baby I really don’t want another child! I almost have Astrid out of the house, and I don’t want to raise another!”

“Oh come on Lydia!” He bent down in front of her and grabbed her shoulders. “I think this was meant to happen. When I married Delores for a minute I thought I was going to have a big family, lots of kids. But you know, sh*t happened. I sort of gave up on being a dad-dad, not just a step-dad. And this whole living dead baby thing is rare to begin with. I mean, I grabbed one of your last eggs out of the carton. This opportunity isn’t going to happen again!”

“Let me think about it, ok. I think I just need to be alone for a bit. I’ll make my decision in a week. Can you do me a favor and just leave me alone for a while? Stay out of my sights, please.”

He backed away. “Alright, I’ll leave you alone. If that’s what you want.” She felt a breeze and he disappeared from the room.

Astrid’s phone time was interrupted by the door slamming open. Betelgeuse came rushing in and sat down on the couch. He groaned loudly. “Astrid, I love your mom to death, but sometimes she can be the most stubborn woman on the face of the Earth!”

“How did the doctor’s go? Is mom ok?”

“Yeah, she’s fine. It’s not food poisoning, it’s...something else. I’d rather not get into it.” He leaned back and light up a cigarette. “I think she’s a little pissed at me though.”

“You know mom doesn’t like it when you smoke in the house.”

“Honey, there’s a lot of things I do that she doesn’t like. And I need to relax.” He leaned forward and started bashing his head against the coffee table. “The stress makes me want to brush my teeth with the business end of a shotgun.”

“Hey, there are other ways to relive stress than that.” She got up and grabbed her Nintendo Switch from the dock by the tv, she slid off a controller and tossed it at Betelgeuse. “Ever play video games?”

“No. I always thought it was a hobby for fat virgins in their mother’s basem*nt.”

“Oh, come on, it’s fun. I’ll teach you how to play Mario Kart.”

Lydia pulled into the garage alone. She put the car in park and rested her head on the steering wheel. For a moment she considered letting the car run and letting herself suffocate from the carbon monoxide. Perhaps that would solve the predicament she was in? As she weighed her options, she came to the realization that she didn’t want to spend eternity as a civil servant in the afterlife, and leaving Astrid an orphan was a selfish and ugly thing. Fighting a black wave of depression, she shut the car off and entered the household. As she set her keys down she saw Astrid and Betelgeuse on the couch together, laughing loudly and playing video games.

“Hey, no fair kid! That blue tortoise shell is cheating!”

Astrid laughed, “It’s not cheating! It’s part of the game. You’re just upset that you’re losing!”

“Hey, I think I can still win!” He covered Astrid’s eyes with his hands as she laughed and tried to get a good view of the tv. Betelgeuse noticed Lydia, and turned to smile at her. “Hey honey, wanna play?”

Lydia looked at him sullen. Normally, it would make her happy to see the two of them getting along and bonding. But the warm emotions coming from Astrid and Betelgeuse fell on a hollow heart. “I’m going upstairs for a bit. I need to be alone for a while.”

She entered her room and started surveying her bookshelf. After coming through her collection of books she found what she was looking for, the manual “The Living and the Dead.” It had been a while since she looked at this. After combing through the index she turned to chapter 6, romantic liaisons between the living and the dead. She read “sexual relationships between the living and the dead can result in offspring, granted if the living party produces eggs and the deceased produces sperm. If the deceased produces eggs and the living produces sperm no such offspring can be begotten. Offspring between the living and dead will possess ghost like abilities limited to their physical manifestation and biological function. Due to the complexities of the various abilities and social stigma regarding these relations, conceiving offspring of this nature should be avoided at all costs.”

Lydia slammed the book shut and began to rub her head. the “must be avoided at all costs” kept running through her head. She collapsed on her bed and started weighing her options. She thought of having an abortion and wondered if she could even make herself go through with it. Lydia knew it was a simple procedure, and that millions of women had this done every year. But she worried if she would feel any guilt or shame afterwards. But the biggest obstacle she faced regarding this decision was how it would affect her relationship with Betelgeuse. He clearly wanted this baby. Sure, he would tell her that he supports her decision, put on a brave face and try to act happy to please her. But deep down the hatred would build and he would start to look at Lydia with contempt. It would start with casual glares and build to him refusing to share a bed with her. Where it would evolve next Lydia didn’t want to imagine.

She thought of her other choice, carrying the child to term. Betelgeuse had previously messed with her, by giving her visions of his demonic spawn. She thought of it biting her, crawling up the walls, vomiting pea soup on her. And how would she raise it? How would it be able to go to school or blend into society? Even if the baby was perfectly normal, Lydia was no spring chicken. Did she even have the stamina to raise a baby at her age? How old would she be when it graduated from high school, or went to college? She lied in bed, her eyes staring at the wall as all these questions kept circling around her mind. Hours passed without Lydia so much as flinching.

Astrid swung the door open. “BJ has been calling you to dinner for like, half an hour! Food’s getting cold! He sent me up here to get you.”

“I’m not hungry.” Lydia said quietly.

Astrid rolled her eyes and went down the stairs. “She says she’s not hungry. She’s just lying in bed. Is she sick?”

He sighed. “I’d better go talk to her.” He entered the room quietly, Lydia was still lying on her side staring off into space. “Hey, are you alright?” He sat next to her on the bed and started stroking her gently. Lydia pulled the sheets up and turned away. “Oh come on, let’s talk about this like adults.”

She sat up. “I don’t want to talk to you right now. I need to come to a decision on my own.”

He suddenly got angry. “You know what your problem is Lydia? You wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit you on the ass.”

“How exactly is this a good thing?!”

“A baby is precious! I think it’s wonderful that we’re expanding our little family!”

“You don’t have to carry this for 9 months! Or give birth! Or nurse! And deal with stretch marks, and cramps, and nausea! And you know what? I think you got me pregnant on purpose.”

He held his hands up. “Sorry I didn’t tell you my juice was volatile. And so what if I did?”

Lydia became irate. “You know what your problem is? You’re selfish. You only see people as a means to an end, and you don’t care who you step on or who you hurt along the way!”

“Hey! You want to talk about using people? I bend over backwards for you, with my balls in a knot to help you with your show, raising your kid, cooking your dinner, running your sh*t and I don’t get as much as a ‘thank you’ or an ‘I love you.’”

“You knew the kind of woman I was when you married me! And newsflash! You wanted to marry me, I didn’t want to marry you!” His eyes flashed at her, taken aback by this sting. “You don’t know how to take no for an answer! For over 30 years I avoided you and you still couldn’t take a hint! I wanted you to leave me alone and you refused!”

“f*ck this!” He stood up and headed to the closet and angrily grabbed his striped suits and clothes and started tossing them on the floor. “You don’t love me! You never have, and you never will! I used to think you were different, but you’re just like Delores! You use me, f*ck me and suck me dry only as a means to an end! All I ever did was love you, and that wasn’t good enough!”

Lydia stood up and faced him. “You’re making a mess! Knock it off!” She tried stopping him from throwing his clothes on the floor.

He spun around and grabbed her arm. “You’re too busy fetishizing your own f*cking sadness that you won’t let anything good in your life! You’d much rather surround yourself with sh*tty f*cking people that treat you like dirt under their fingernails like Rory, than actually be with someone who loves you unconditionally!”

“Let go of me!” She forced her arm away and slapped him across the face. She at once regretted this decision when he looked at her with blood red eyes and the rage of a thousand suns. He put his hands around her neck and pinned her to the floor. Lydia clawed at his fingers struggling to breathe. “Kill...me. Go ahead...do me a favor! Kill me like you killed Delores...”

Suddenly he realized what he was doing, his hands released her and she gasped for air. “Oh my God...Lydia. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”

Lydia sat up and rubbed her neck. “Get out! Now! Get out of my life and don’t ever come back!”

He looked at her with a sad expression on his face, and in an instant he vanished. Lydia sat up on the floor, noticed his striped suits were still scattered on the ground and began to sob uncontrollably.

The next morning Astrid awoke and headed to the kitchen. She was expecting her step father’s Sunday morning waffle extravaganza, but the kitchen was empty. And the house was eerily quiet.

Lydia snuck up behind her, and rested her hand on her shoulder. “He’s gone Astrid. We got in a pretty big fight last night.”

“Is he like, gone-gone?”

“I don’t know.”

“Wow, this sucks. I actually was starting to like him.”

“I know. Me too.” Lydia sighed. “Hey, let's have a girls day today. Just you and me. We’ll go shopping, get a pedicure, just something to get me out of this house.”

The Deetz girls found themselves at Target, Lydia pushing a cart going aimlessly down the aisles. Astrid standing next to her. Lydia looked up and down at the various novelties and household goods and she tried to force herself to smile.

“I love Target. They have the cutest stuff.”

“Yeah, sweatshop produced highly marked up crap that ends up in landfills, polluting the environment and filling the sea with microplastics.”

Lydia rubbed her head. “Astrid, I don’t want to hear this today. I had a rough night.”

“I don’t get it. It seemed like you two were getting along great, and then you came home from the doctor pissed at each other. What happened?”

“Just...adult things I’d rather not get into.”

Astrid looked at her mom, a sudden thought hit her, she smirked and laughed. “Oh, I know what he did...nice.”

Lydia became white as a ghost. “What do you think he did?”

“He gave you an STD, didn’t he?”

“What? Ew, no!”

“Seriously, he’s like a walking petri dish of gonorrhea. I hope he didn’t give you something really serious, like syphilis.”

“Astrid, that’s not what he did. It was something else.”

“So, are you two getting a divorce?”

“I don’t know yet. I need to think for a while.”

Astrid thought about some of the various times she spent with Betelgeuse, how he didn’t seem that nasty to her. She saw his soft side, his sense of humor, his quick wit and sharp tongue. “For what it’s worth I think you two should stick together. I like him a lot more than some of the other guys you’ve dated. He really loves you.” Astrid noticed she was in the baby clothes section. “I always it would be fun to design baby clothes. It would be a cool job.”

Lydia looked around. “Oh Astrid, I remember buying baby clothes for you when you were little. I tried to find goth baby clothes, but I couldn’t find anything in black.” She picked up a little pair of booties. “These are so tiny. So...precious.” She felt a wave of emotions and started to sob.

“Mom, are you seriously ok? You’re embarrassing me.”

“Oh Astrid, when I found out I was pregnant with you, it was the happiest moment of my life! But I just...don’t feel happy right now.” She continued to sob.

“Look, I don’t know what your deal is, if this has something to do with BJ, but you seriously need to get a grip. Whatever happened between you two, you need to fix.”

Lydia wiped her eyes. “You really think so?”

“Yes. I mean, he’s weird, annoying, and creepy but I think he’s good to you. He does a lot of goofy sh*t but at least he has good intentions. Unlike Rory.”

“I know Astrid. I’ll think about it.”

One week had passed without Betelgeuse. Tapings went on un interrupted, dinners were quiet, and her bed was cold. For the first time in years, he didn’t try to appear in front of her, he left her dreams alone, and he didn’t seven send a text message. Years ago she would have been happy to have him out of her life, but now things seemed lonely without him at her side. But the quiet gave her time to think and she had come to her decision. Today she found herself at one of Astrid’s soccer games, standing in line at the concession stands behind other parents.

“Did you see that creepy guy in the stands?” One of the mothers asked another.

“Oh God yes. Who is he?”

“I don’t know. Someone’s father. He isn’t exactly doing anything illegal but he’s making the other parents super uncomfortable.”

Lydia immediately knew who they were talking about. Her dearly departed dead husband was here. She ran to the bleachers and saw him there, shirtless and covered from head to toe in full body paint of Astrid’s team colors. Donning a large foam finger, annoying drinking hat with straws attached, wearing bicycle shorts showing off his painted legs. Unsure of what to say she approached the stands and stood beside him.

“What are you doing here?”

“Just coming here to support Astrid. I mean, she’s still my step-daughter.”

Unsure of what to say, Lydia stood beside him and squeezed his hand, resting her head against his shoulder.

He squeezed her hand back. “I’m taking it you aren’t mad at me anymore?”

“No. I’m not.”

He placed his arm around her shoulder. “I’m really sorry babes. Sorry for all the rotten things I said. I should have never put my hands on you. I deserve 500 years in purgatory for that alone.”

“You were right about everything though. About how I fetishize my own sadness and don’t let people love me. I’m willing to work on that.”

He kissed her on the head. “We’re much better together babes. I don’t ever want to be apart again. You know, I almost hate to ask. About that other thing...have you made a decision yet?”

“Yes. I think we should keep it.”

He beamed with joy. “Oh Lydia!” He wrapped his arms around her in a loving embrace. Astrid was sitting on the bench, she turned around and saw her parents public display of affection. Although she was embarrassed, she found herself smiling that things were on the mend.

Betelgeuse gave Lydia dozens of kisses, covering her face and shirt with his body paint. “I promise you, I will read all the baby books, go to all of your appointments, cut down on the cigarettes, and when you’re ready to give birth I will be there with a catcher’s mitt!”

“Good to know.”

“Oh Lydia, this makes me so happy! I’m going to be a daddy! Say, I’m curious. What made you change your mind?”

“I was thinking, having Astrid was the best thing that ever happened to me. When she was a baby it was the happiest time of my life. I figured it was something you need to experience.” They embraced again. “By the way, let’s not tell Astrid about this for a while. I need to think of how to break the news to her.”

“You got it babes.” He smiled at her but then turned to the field. “Hey, Astrid’s playing now! Yo Astrid!” He waved at her obnoxiously.

Astrid nodded towards her parents. A teammate walked next to Astrid, brushing against her. “Your dad is f*cking weird.”

“He’s my step dad.”

“Well he’s f*cking weird.”

This aggravated Astrid. For years he tolerated being bullied about her mom, but now she was starting to get it about her step-dad. At least with her mom she could counter with the fact that Lydia was rich and famous from her tv show. But she had no ammo when people made fun of Betelgeuse. What was she supposed to say? That he’s an ancient ghost who has been stalking her mom for over 30 years, and now trolls the internet and has loud sex with her mom every other night? Until she could think of a good counter, she had to take the verbal abuse about his obnoxious mannerisms and strange appearance.

The game progressed, Astrid found it difficult to concentrate since whenever she was near the ball she heard the loud cheers from Betelgeuse in the crowd, distracting her. She did her best to ignore it, but her teammates were starting to laugh. Finally at one play the girl from earlier who had commented on Astrid’s stepfather had a clear shot to the goal. But she had a nasty thought and instead kicked the ball directly at Astrid’s head, causing her to bounce back and hit the ground.

Betelgeuse witnessed this and lurched forward, on the attack. Lydia grabbed his arm and pulled him back. “Did you see what that bitch did?! Oh, I’m going to get her!”

Lydia tried calming him down. “Don’t. I’m not bailing you out of jail tonight for assaulting a child!”

“You seriously think I’m going to just lie down and let some snotty whor* hurt Astrid?!”

“Maybe you can do something a little more...creative. That’s all I’m saying.”

He angled his eyebrows. “Oh, I catch your drift. Want me to let loose the juice?”

Lydia smiled at him. “Do it.”

The game continued and the mean girl was darting across the field after the ball. While her focus was on the end of the field a skeletal hand reached up from the grass and grabbed onto her leg, pulling her to the ground with a supernatural force. The girl let out an ear piercing scream. “My leg! Aaahhh! Something grabbed my leg! Help!” The referee called pause and her team mates gathered around.

Her coach examined the girl’s leg. “Oh my God...it’s broken.” Astrid gathered to look, it was a nasty break, her foot twisting backwards and the bone jutting out of her striped athletic socks. Astrid winced and looked away. She glanced at the crowd at her parents, her stepfather had a proud grin on his face as he glanced at Astrid for her approval. Astrid laughed and smiled back. The two nodded at each other in approval.

The game concluded and Astrid climbed in the back of her mom’s car.

“Hey kid, great game today!” Betelgeuse said from the passenger seat.

“What do you mean great game? We didn’t win.”

“Yeah, you can’t win them all. What matters is you had fun playing the game.”

Astrid smiled. “Hey, that was a pretty cool thing you did today.”

“Hey, it was your mom’s idea.”

Lydia looked over at Betelgeuse from the drivers seat. “I didn’t tell you to break that girl’s leg! I thought you were just going to scare her or something.”

“Oh tomatoes, tomatoes. Look, if it makes you feel any better, I’ll send her a get well card.”

“Well, I thought it was pretty funny.” Said Astrid. She put on her headphones as Lydia drove them home.

Lydia took her hand off the steering wheel and held it out towards her husband. He picked her hand up and kissed it. “I need to make a stop on the way home. Get some stuff at the drugstore.”

“What kind of stuff?”

“Oh, you’ll see.”

Lydia pulled into a Walgreens, gave her husband a kiss on the cheek and headed inside the store. Astrid took her headphones off. “Hey, there’s more girls at school you can mess with if you’d like.”

“Give me a list of names and I will do my worse.” Astrid texted a list of girls who made fun of her. She sent it to his phone and he started to read. “Consider them juiced. Got any preferences?”

“Can you make them have really bad acne, make spiders make nests in their hair, or make them lose all their instagram followers?”

“I was actually thinking of putting venomous snakes in their lockers, but I like your ideas more.”

Astrid smiled. “I’m glad you’re back. I know mom was pretty mad about the whole STD thing.”

He turned around and looked at her strangely. “The what?!”

“It’s no big deal. I know about it.”

“Did you mom tell you I gave her an STD?!”

“Well, I just inferred it.”

“Look, that’s not what happened! Your mom doesn’t want me to tell you this but we’re...”

Just as he was about to spill the secret Lydia opened the door. “Hey you two, I'm back.”

“What were you about to say, BJ?”

“Oh nothing. Just forget it.”

Astrid put her headphones back on and Lydia put the car out of park. “Look in the bag Beej, I got you something.”

He started thumbing through the sack and pulled out a jar. “Prenatal vitamins? Thanks, Lyds, but I think this will make my balls fall off.”

“That’s for me. The other thing.”

He continued to thumb through the bag. “Green apple flavored lubricant. For wetter, better sex.”

“I thought it might make things interesting in the bedroom.”

He turned around and looked at Astrid. “Think we should be talking about this in front of the kid?”

“She’s got her noise cancelling headphones on and she’s on her phone. Trust me, she isn’t paying attention.”

He continued examining the box. “Think we should continue f*cking with the baby on the way? I mean, I don’t want to poke it’s head or anything.”

“Trust me, I continued to have sex when I was pregnant with Astrid. She turned out fine.”

He looked behind him. “You sure about that babes?”

Chapter 6: Secret's Out

Chapter Text

“15 minutes until hair and makeup Lydia.” The assistant producer knocked on her dressing room door.

“Alright, be out in a bit. I’m...sort of struggling.” She stood in front of her dressing room mirror in her bra, struggling to button her favorite pair of black pants. “Well, it’s official. None of my clothes fit. I’m going to need a new wardrobe.” She looked into the mirror and started stroking her blossoming baby bump.

Betelgeuse thumbed through her wardrobe on the rack. “Did you try your black dress? That’s always a favorite of mine.”

“Yeah, the belt doesn’t fit. God, I’m getting so fat. I swear, I wasn’t this big with Astrid at 16 weeks.”

Betelgeuse stood behind her and began stroking her belly. “I think you look very cute. If I could I’d take you to the other side and show you off I would. Let everyone know I’m in a healthy, happy, sexually active relationship with the love of my afterlife. Hey, we should get cute matching couples shirts!”

Lydia looked down, she was wearing a white t-shirt with the word “mother” in red across her chest. She looked up and Betelgeuse was wearing a white shirt proudly emblazoned with the word “motherf*cker.” Lydia rolled her eyes and groaned. “Beej, I’m really not a big plan of the world knowing I’m pregnant. I’m trying to keep this a secret as long as I can.”

“Why not? Don’t want the world to know you’ve been taking load after unprotected load from me?”

“Well, if you put it like that. Yes. But honestly, I don’t want people on the internet or tabloids saying how fat I look. Or wondering how a 47 year old managed to get pregnant. I’m still trying to figure out how we’re going to raise this baby if it's...you know...different.”

“Look, I’m sure our baby is going to be as perfectly normal as any other fleshbag. Oh sh*t...I just thought of something. When are you due?”

“This fall, probably September.”

“Oh sh*t, I just signed you up for another season that finishes filming in August. You’re going to be like, really pregnant then.”

“Beej, why did you do that?!”

“I wasn’t thinking! This season has been getting really good ratings, aside from what a few sh*theads on Reddit say. If it makes you feel better, I can tell the camera guy to film you from the chest up for the next few months.”

“The studio audience is going to see me. Word will get out.”

“I’ll have them sign NDA’s.” He placed his hands on her shoulders. “Look, it’s all going to be ok. Leave it up to daddy.”

She thought for a moment. “Maybe you could work your magic and make my stomach flat when I’m filming?”

“I could, but I think it would hurt the baby. Junior needs room to grow.”

They heard a knock on the door. “Lydia, we need you in hair and makeup.”

“Coming! Beej, think you can fix my wardrobe?”

He gave her a tap and her pants had a comfortable elastic band and she wore a flowy black top. “Knock ‘em dead babes. I could use the company.”

A few nights later the newly blended Deetz family found themselves gathered around the dinner table. Betelgeuse was dressed in his trademark frilly apron scooping spaghetti on everyone’s plate. He stopped by Lydia’s plate and gave her a second helping.

“That’s more than enough. Like I could use anymore carbs.”

He leaned forward and whispered in her ear. “You’re eating for two babes.” He sat down at the head of the table and started to stab at his food. “So, Astrid, any plans for spring break?”

“Ugh, I have all this homework to do. Can you believe it?! Homework! On spring break! We should seriously sue the school.”

Lydia picked at her plate. “What subjects Astrid?”

“Ugh, I have to write an essay in French. It’s so stupid.”

Betelgeuse spoke through a mouthful of food. “I could help you with that. I speak several languages.” He swallowed. “I know Spanish, French, Italian, English...obviously...and a little bit of Dutch from haunting the red light district in Amsterdam. It pays to be a ghost from coast to coast.”

Lydia took a sip of her water. “Huh. I honestly didn’t know that about you. That would be a wonderful thing to teach the baby.”

Astrid’s head bolted up. “Baby?! What baby?!”

Lydia wilted in her seat. She realized she just opened up Pandora’s box.

Betelgeuse put his hands to his side showing a little bit of jazz hands. “Suprise!”

Astrid made a look of horror and disgust. “Oh my God! You two are seriously bringing a baby into this world? Like...how?!”

“Well kid, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they...”

“STOP! I know about THAT! But like, how is it possible?!”

Lydia sighed. “It’s just as much of a surprise to you as it was to me.”

Betelgeuse pointed at Astrid and winked. “Always practice safe sex kid.” Astrid recoiled in horror. “And besides, I don’t see this as a mistake. I consider it a happy little accident, like that painter guy says on TV.” He reached for Astrid and held her hand. “I promise, your mom and I aren’t going to love the baby more than we love you.”

Astrid looked at her mom. “There’s other ways to have a midlife crisis than to have a demon baby!”

She sighed, “Astrid, we don’t know if it’s going to be a demon. Not a lot is known about this. Just...go easy on me, ok? I’ve been really cranky and sensitive lately.” She put her face in her hands. “God, this has been an awful pregnancy so far...” She was of course referring to her unending morning sickness, aches and pains, headaches, bloating, and violent primal cravings late at night.

After dinner Lydia sat on the couch, arms folded in her lap, legs on the cushions. Watching the TV. Astrid had sulked off to her room. The characters were flickering on the screen, their black and white glory the subject of Lydia’s focus. Betelgeuse sat next to her, propping her legs on his lap. “What are you watching tonight babes?”

“The Bride of Frankenstein. One of my favorites.”

“Isn’t the Bride only on screen for like 8 minutes in the end?”

“Yes, but her performance is spectacular, and the buildup is worth it.”

“How are you feeling tonight?”

“Ugh. Awful, I have a headache, and my feet hurt.”

He took off her shoes and started stroking her legs. “You know, I still haven’t decided what I am. Am I a leg man, an ass man, or a boob man? I think I’m a Lydia man.”

“Sorry, I need to shave my legs. They’re probably gross.”

“Hey, back in my day chicks didn’t shave ANYTHING. I like it natural!” He admired the black fingernail polish on her toes. He placed her big toe in his mouth and started to suck.

Astrid headed down the stairs and saw this display of affection. “Oh Jesus Christ...gross!”

Betelgeuse popped her toe out of his mouth. “Hey Astrid, what are you up to?”

“I’m going out. On a date. He’s here to pick me up.”

“A date!? I didn’t know you were going on a date!”

“I don’t feel like I need your permission to live my life!”

Lydia spoke up. “It’s fine Beej. Have fun Astrid.”

Betelgeuse spoke up. “Let’s wait a minute here. If my memory serves me correctly the last guy Astrid was with tried to do the whole soul swapping thing, and I had to save her ass from that. And where did you meet this guy? What’s his name?”

“It’s Brian. I met him on the internet.”

“Ah, the internet. Perverts and murderers use the internet, Astrid.”

“Yeah, you would know. Being both a pervert and murderer on the internet.”

He rolled his eyes. “Really cute.” They were interrupted by the doorbell ringing.

“It’s Brian, I’m out.”

“Oh wait, I need to meet this Brian.”

Betelgeuse got up and opened the door, Brian was a teenage boy, thin, a bit nerdy, with brown hair that went to his shoulders greasy and stringy. “Uh...hi...I’m here to pick up Astrid. We’re going to the movies.”

“Hello Brian, I’m BJ. Astrid’s stepfather from hell.” He put his hand on his shoulder and led him aside. “Look kid, that young lady is the light behind my eyes. And if you don’t treat her as anything more than the princess she is, we’re going to have problems. I’ll have you know I’m VERY good with an axe.”

Brian gulped nervously. He wasn’t sure what was more terrifying, Betelgeuse’s words or his appearance. “Yes sir, I understand.”

“You are going to take her to a nice little movie, and you are going to keep your hands to yourself, you hear? No hole in the popcorn bucket nonsense. And you are going to bring her back here at 8:00. Not a minute later. If you don’t follow my directions, I’ll have you know I am VERY resourceful and I WILL find you. Understand?”

“Yes sir, absolutely! I promise, I will be good! I swear!”

“Nice we could have a little chat. Astrid! Your date is here! You two kids have fun!”

Astrid grabbed Brian and dragged him to the car. He looked back, nervously as Betelgeuse smiled a crooked smile and waved goodbye. Satisfied with himself he headed back into the house and rejoined Lydia on the couch.

“I hope you didn’t threaten the poor boy.”

“I didn’t. I just painted a vivid picture of what I would do to him if he wasn’t good to Astrid. I am an awesome father! You know that Lyds?”

“Sure. Hey, I wanted to show you something.” She went to the bookshelf and grabbed her photo album. “I wanted to show you these pictures.”

They started flipping through together. “Ahhh, baby Astrid! I remember when she was little.”

“You do?”

“Hey, I’ve been watching you for a long time. Still can’t believe you were married to a guy named Dick.”

“Richard.”

“Whatever. Oh, look at Astrid, she was adorable!”

“Those were wonderful memories. That time went by so fast.”

He reached over and rubbed her belly. “Soon we’ll have memories of our very own. I read junior is about the size of an avocado now.”

“Babies really like it when their fathers rub mom’s belly.”

“How do they know that anyways? Do they stick a microphone up there and give the baby an interview?”

“Hey, don’t be vulgar. They also like it when the father talks to them. That way they recognize his voice when they’re born.”

He leaned into her belly. “Hey junior. It’s your dad. You know, people use to tell me that the only way I’d ever have a baby is if I found a blind paraplegic hooker with no sense of smell. Good thing I met your mom, right?”

“Wow Beej...that was...something else...”

He shut his eyes and leaned into Lydia, stroking her belly feeling pleased with himself. He couldn’t believe all his dreams were coming through, and then some. He always knew, someday, if he was patient enough, Lydia would be his. And now she was, crashing into his arms every night, making passionate love to him frequently, and sleeping gently next to him as he spent most of the night gently caressing her, watching her sleep, hearing her petite snores as she dreamed. While he was at his desk in the afterlife, he often imagined what it would be like to make love to her, he used to share these ideas openly and often with the shrinkers he managed. Telling them what positions he would like to try with Lydia and describing them in graphic detail. They would always look back at him in abject horror with unblinking eyes, unable to scream to the point where when they saw him approaching their desks with Lydia’s picture in his hand they knew to hide in fear. And in a few months he would have his own little sex souvenir. A baby to show everyone his sexual prowess with Lydia, living breathing proof of his nightly liaisons.

Lydia leaned back on the couch as Betelgeuse caressed her. She tried running her fingers through his messy mossy hair but kept getting stuck in centuries old knots. She thought about the near future, and what exactly the baby would look like. He told her frequently that the baby would be normal, but she had frequent nightmares about the demonic manifestation he teased her with before they were married. Would this baby be dangerous? Would it try to hurt her? What if the tabloids found out she was having a ghost’s baby? This would be Earth shattering news and have drastic consequences for her family. Her body started to become tense and nervous, and she tried her breathing exercises.

Betelgeuse looked up at her. “Are you ok? You’re not going into labor are you?”

“Just some mild anxiety. I’m trying to cope the natural way. I’m not on the pills anymore, they could hurt the baby.”

He sat up and faced her. “Alright, I’ve never done this before but let me try something.” He placed his hand on her back and began to stroke it. She felt a warm sensation and a tender vibration. She felt her anxiety begin to fade as she returned to normal. She looked at Betelgeuse as his facial expression turned to one of discomfort. “God damn, you are really stressed. Do you always feel this way?” He waved his hands around like he was trying to flick something away.

“Not all the time. Just a lot of the time. What exactly did you do?”

“Calming spirit stuff. I absorbed your energy. I took all of your bad feelings away and felt them myself. Just...wow. I had no idea you felt this awful.”

“I’m sorry you had to feel that.”

“Lydia, I’m more than happy to take every ounce of your pain away. Even if that means I have to feel it myself. You know I’d move mountains for ya?” He kissed her hand.

She smiled at him. “You know, you never cease to amaze me. I used to be so terrified of you. But I’m starting to forget why.”

“Yeah, I honestly don’t see why you were trying to play hard to get for all these years either.”

Brian was driving Astrid home, speeding all the way, white knuckles gripping the steering wheel of his car, swerving on the road. He slammed the brakes when he approached the Deetz household, he looked down at his smart watch and it read 7:59 PM.

“Oh, thank Christ. I made it.”

“I had a good time.” Astrid said. “Want to do something next week?”

“I...” he was cut off by a tapping on the window of the driver side door. He saw Betelgeuse staring at him and let out a scream.

Betelgeuse looked at one of his pilfered watches. “8:00 on the dime. You made it by the skin of your teeth. Congrats! You passed the test.”

“Sir! I promise! I was good! I paid for the movie and I kept my hands to myself. I didn’t even kiss her!”

“Really? You know, I keep a polygraph test in the basem*nt. Would you like to come inside and see?”

“Knock it off!” Astrid shouted. She got out of the car and stomped towards the front door. Brian peeled off down the road. “Seriously! He’s never going to call me again! Why did you have to ruin this ONE THING for me?!”

Betelgeuse followed her into the house. “Hey, I was a teenage boy once. I know what they are like. If I didn’t vet your dates I wouldn’t be a very good dad, now would I?”

“You are not my dad! You’re not even a human being! Stay out of my personal life!” Astrid went into her room and slammed the door.

Betelgeuse rejoined Lydia on the couch. “Jesus. I don’t know what her problem is.”

Lydia sighed. “I’ll go talk to her.” she made her way up the stairs and gently knocked on Astrid’s door.

“Go away!”

“Astrid, it’s your mom. Can we talk?”

“Whatever. Come in.”

Lydia opened the door and sat next to Astrid on the bed. “So, how was your date?”

“Brian was pissing his pants in fear the whole time! I don’t know what BJ told him, but it scared him half to death. I’m sick of him ruining my life!”

“He’s just looking out for you. You’re lucky. When I was a teenager, my parents didn’t give a sh*t about me. When you’re older you’ll understand.”

“He keeps acting like he’s my dad.”

“He’s just been very...paternal...since he found out about the baby. And you didn’t seem to mind when he scared those girls in your class into a mental institution.”

“That’s different.”

“Look, I’ll talk to him about not pestering your dates.” She looked at Astrid as she gave her mother a scowl. “Do you want to talk about the baby?”

Astrid looked at her mom. Underneath her flowy black gown she could notice a slight bump. “I don’t know what there is to say? It grosses and freaks me out.”

“I know. It’s kind of scary. I know if my dad and stepmom were having a baby I wouldn’t have been happy.”

“It’s not that. It’s just...is it going to be a little monster?”

“I don’t know Astrid. BJ says no, but I don’t think he knows. He does talk out of his ass half the time.”

“Ever think of like...you know...” she made a scissors motion with her hand.

“I couldn’t do that Astrid.” she started to rub her belly. “Regardless of what this is, I know once it’s born you will fall in love with your little brother or sister.”

“What if it’s an it...you know...like a genderless, amorphous, little blob?”

“Astrid! Please. Could you not put these images in my head for the next few months? It’s half me, so it has to be at least halfway normal.”

“Yeah, halfway normal. That’s being super generous.”

The door opened again and Betelgeuse casually walked in. “Hey girls. What’s shaking?” He sat down at Astrid’s computer desk, spun around in her chair and smiled at the Deetz girls.

“Ever hear of knocking? The door was shut.” Astrid said.

“As if that will stop me, I can walk through walls, remember?”

Lydia turned towards her husband. “Beej, Astrid’s a little pissed at you for how you treated her date.”

“Hey, if he was scared he wasn’t the right one. Some day you will meet a nice young man that accepts you...and your family...for the strange little supernatural mess that it is. And I have to look out for you. Your mother and I are WAY too young to be grandparents, if you catch my drift. When I was a kid, I was left completely unsupervised. I lost my virginity at 14 in the confessional room of a church with a 40 year old barmaid.”

“Ugh, gross!”

“Your mom lost hers at 17 in the backseat of her dad’s Mercedes with some loser she met at a photography convention that didn’t even call her back!”

Lydia’s eyes got wide. “How do you know about that?!”

“I’ve been watching you a long time babes.”

Astrid’s tolerance for being grossed out and annoyed had reached its breaking point. “GET OUT OF MY ROOM! I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS!” she stood up and pushed her parents out of the room and slammed the door behind her.

“I think that went well.” Betelgeuse smiled at Lydia.

“We need to work on our relationship with Astrid. She’s not thrilled about the baby.”

“What’s not to be thrilled about?”

“You know.”

“I promise you, by the time you lay your egg I will turn this ship around. Or my name isn’t BJ Deetz.”

Chapter 7: Going With A Star Theme

Chapter Text

Lydia sat in bed, eyes wide open. She turned over to her husband, he was dead asleep. Snoring loudly with his mouth wide open, drooling on his pillow. She rolled back over to look at her digital clock, 3:28 AM. Lydia waddled her way out of bed, stepped into her black slippers, and headed towards the kitchen. As she opened the fridge she surveyed her options, trying to find something to satisfy her late-night cravings. When she was carrying Astrid her go-to snacks were pickles and chocolate ice cream. But her tastebuds veered from the typical into the forbidden. Lydia shut the fridge and headed towards the pantry and started moving the various cans of soup and vegetables around until she found her husband’s hidden stache. Towards the back of the pantry, in the darkness of the night her hand found the glass mason jar crawling with live co*ckroaches. She sighed and put her hand in the jar, feeling the scurrying feet against her hands, grabbed a live one and put it in her mouth with a satisfying crunch. As she was enjoying her snack, she suddenly felt the hairs on the back of her neck stand up, quickly she turned around and was face to face with her smiling husband, dressed in his bedtime attire of striped boxers and a white wife-beater shirt. Shocked, Lydia dropped the jar, it made a loud crack as it broke on the floor and the co*ckroaches scattered.

“Let me get that.” He held his hand out and time seemed to reverse, the pieces of the jar assembling themselves and the co*ckroaches once again being contained. “I had a feeling you were eating these.”

“How many times have I told you not to sneak up on me! You almost gave me a heart attack!”

“Hey, if you’re up I’m up.” He grabbed a handful of co*ckroaches from the jar and shoved them in his mouth. “Not the typical cravings of a woman in her second trimester, I must say.”

“Ugh, I know. I’m really nervous about the ultrasound tomorrow. I guess we’ll finally find out how much of a demon this baby is.” She started carefully rubbing her belly. Lydia was around 20 weeks pregnant now.

He thought for a moment on something to cheer Lydia up. “Say, I’ve been working on this new character. I call him Snugglejuice. He’s a total sissy. Total opposite of me, he’s into rainbows, unicorns, and all things sweet and nice. Like I said, a total puss*. I figured he would annoy the sh*t out of you.”

Lydia chuckled. “I’d like to see this character.”

He wrapped his arms around Lydia and gave her a tight hug. In a high pitched squeaky voice he said, “Poor little mommy has been all sore and cranky for the past five months! All because daddy made big cummies inside of her! Daddy will have to make it up to mommy with kisses, snuggles, and sugary sweetness!” He peppered her face with dozens of kisses.

Lydia giggled. “Big cummies...really?”

“Oh yes! Big cummies inside mommy’s kitty cat courtesy of Russel the love muscle!”

Lydia laughed loudly. “Oh my God, you’re terrible!”

He kissed her again. “Hey, anything to make you feel better. I’m willing to walk in your footsteps babes so I can share this whole pregnancy experience with you. I’ll even do the whole empathy belly thing.” Lydia looked down and his belly had grown to match hers, complete with swollen breasts. “Oh wow. This is actually super uncomfortable.” He squeezed his chest. “I always thought it would be fun to have boobs, but I guess not.”

Suddenly a light shined on the couple. They shielded their eyes and looked up at Astrid, carrying a flashlight and a baseball bat. “Sorry, I thought we had a burglar.” She looked at her stepfather’s pregnancy facade. “Look, I don’t know what it is you two are doing, but I don’t want to be involved. I’m going back to bed.”

The next day the Deetz family found themselves sitting at Lydia’s OBGYN clinic. The trio was in the waiting room, Astrid on her phone checking her instagram feed, Lydia reading a parenting magazine, and Betelgeuse nervously tapping his feet.

Lydia examined an article on the newest nursery decor trends. “Hey Astrid, what do you think of grey neutral nurseries? I’m conflicted.”

“I mean, it’s kind of goth, but at the same time way too mainstream. Everyone is doing it.”

“I remember your nursery. Richard painted the walls light yellow with little stars. It was so precious.”

Betelgeuse’s sensitive ears heard the snap of an iphone’s camera lens. His eyes darted around the room, and across from him he saw a father accompanying his pregnant wife holding his phone up, snapping a photo of Lydia. Obviously, he recognized her from Ghost House. People on Reddit were speculating if Lydia was pregnant. Betelgeuse’s eyes focused in on the stranger’s camera until it sizzled and fried in his hands. The man tapped his screen confused on what happened. Betelgeuse smiled, his wife’s privacy secured.

“Lydia, the doctor is ready to see you now.” Said one of the nurses.

“It’s showtime! Let’s go meet this baby.” He held his hand out for Lydia, helping her out of her seat.

After the initial examination the trio waited in the ultrasound room. Lydia looked at the monitor and became nervous. Her breathing intensified. Betelgeuse put his hand on her to calm her down.

“What are you guys’ predictions?” Asked Astrid.

“I think it’s going to be a boy. I always pictured having a son.” said Betelgeuse.

“I think it’s going to be twins. Or maybe have two heads.” Astrid responded slyly.

“Could be a litter. That’s not outside of the realm of possibilities.”

Exasperated, Lydia said “Let’s not get into this. I’m already super nervous, and I have to start watching my blood pressure as is.”

The ultrasound tech entered the room. “Good morning everyone. I see we have the whole family, mother, father, and big sister! Excited to see the baby?”

“Very nervous.” said Lydia. “I spoke with my doctor, I want every pre-natal test possible. I want to be fully prepared for anything when the baby is born.”

The tech squeezed the cold gel on her belly and began the exam. “I assume you want to know the sex of your baby.”

“Yes, I want to know everything.”

The exam began. The trio anxiously watched the images appear on the screen. “Everything looks pretty normal. Lungs, heart, organs, brain...everything seems to be in order.”

“Does it have all 10 fingers and toes? What about a tail?” Betelgeuse asked.

The tech looked at him strangely. “Yes...the baby looks perfectly fine. Looks like it’s a girl.”

“A girl!” Betelgeuse remarked. “I’m going to be living in a house full of women, hopelessly outnumbered.”

The tech finished the exam. “Your baby looks perfectly normal. I don’t see anything out of place. I’ll get some pictures printed out for you, congratulations on the little girl!”

“I enjoy killing prostitutes with baseball bats so I can get my money back.” Lydia sat on the couch, her head bolted up, shocked at this statement from her husband. She was previously examining the photo of the ultrasound but was now looking at her husband in his recliner.

“That’s not part of the game BJ. You actually have to do missions to progress the story.” Astrid chided.

“Hey, if it wasn’t part of the game the developers wouldn’t have put it in.” Lydia looked at the tv and watched as her husband virtually assaulted a street walker.

“Oh, you’re playing Grand Theft Auto. Lovely.” Lydia put the photo down and stroked her belly.

“He doesn’t really play the game, he just runs people over and carries on mass shootings.”

“This is a great way to blow off steam, and do all the sh*t you can’t do in this country because of stupid, dumb laws. Take it from me Astrid. Some people are only alive because it’s against the law to kill them.”

Lydia stretched and started rubbing her back. A look of discomfort on her face. “God my back hurts. I could really use a massage.”

Betelgeuse suddenly got an idea. He handed the controller to Astrid. “Here kid, take over. Lydia, meet me upstairs.”

Lydia slowly headed up the staircase, her growing belly making it more of a strain. She was trying to predict what her husband had in store for her. One thing was for certain, he always kept her on her toes. She headed towards the bedroom door, hesitated for a moment, and then opened it. The room had been transformed to a lowly lit tranquil spa, calming music playing in the distance, candles lit and glimmering in the background, with Betelgeuse in the center, dressed in an all-white uniform standing next to a massage table.

“Hello darling. Undress to your level of comfort. I’ll give you a full body massage.”

She undressed and sat on the table, and his hands, covered with oil, started to work themselves down her back. Normally, his touch had an icy cold feeling but this evening his hands felt warm and radiated a tender vibration. She started to relax as he absorbed her stress and soothed her aching back.

“You aren’t as stressed today. Are you relieved about the baby?” He said quietly, and gently.

“Yes, I’m glad our baby looks normal.”

“It’s still going to have powers though, right?”

“That’s what the book said.”

“I’m really looking forward to working with her and teaching her everything I know.” His hands reached around her side and stroked her belly. “Tell me, what all hurts?”

“Everything’s sore.” He traced his hands up her spine, to the back of her neck and onto her scalp. Gently scratching and rubbing. Lydia felt tingles down her spine, like insects were walking on her nervous system. “God, you are really good at this. I should rent you out to other pregnant women. You can give them massages.”

“Thanks, but I only want to touch you.” He reached his hands to her front and started squeezing and caressing her tender breasts. They felt extra sensitive while changing and preparing for the new baby. She let out a sigh as he pinched and twisted her nipples. He then rolled her on her back and his hands made their way to her legs. He stroked her thighs for a bit before nudging them open. “Now when I said I was going to give you a full body massage, I meant a full body massage.” His fingers started to tease Lydia, stroking her and pleasing her in her favorite ways.

Lydia looked up at him. “You can’t stop being a pervert for just one day?”

He smiled back. “I think you like it though.”

Her attention turned to the pleat at the front of his white pants. Her hands stroking the growing bulge struggling to be contained by the elastic waistband. She pulled his pants down and let it spring forth and she took it in her mouth.

“Hey, aren’t I the one who is supposed to be giving you the happy ending?” Betelgeuse said with a smile.

She popped him out of her mouth and looked up at him. “I want you to f*ck me.”

“Don’t mind if I do.” He climbed on top of the table and approached Lydia from behind, lifted her leg up and went to town. He sighed and moaned. “I love you, Lydia. I’ve loved you from the first moment I saw you in the attic. And I will always love you. Until your bones are in the ground and our souls will spend all eternity together.”

She reached behind and held him close. “I love it when we f*ck.”

“That too.” He continued his thrusts and moved inhumanely fast. They felt the massage table rattle against the hardwood floor. Both of their bodies were reaching mutual excitement, racing each other to a climax. Ever the gentleman, Betelgeuse stroked Lydia with his thrusts to allow her to graciously cross the finish line first. With her loud screams of delight resonating through the room Betelgeuse allowed himself to climax. He pulled himself away and walked over to the front of the table. Lydia looked at his wild eyes as she accepted his load onto her face. He looked down at her, satisfied. “Hey, a massage and a facial. It’s a regular spa day.”

She looked up at him, struggling not to get his light green cum in her eyes. “Mind wiping me off?”

“Nah. I want to admire my art. Maybe you can fill in your stepmother’s place as the next human canvas?”

“Seriously, not funny. Towel. NOW!”

He handed her a towel, and as she cleaned herself off the room returned to normal. “Say, now that we know we’re having a girl we need to think of a name for this baby.”

“Look on the bookshelf and grab that astronomy book. It has a purple cover.” He surveyed the bookshelf for a moment and grabbed the book, walked over to the bed and handed it to Lydia. “I think we should go with a star theme. You’re named after a star and Astrid translates to star. I always wondered how you got your name.”

“Simple, my mother hates me.”

She thumbed through the pages. “I want to look something up first. Here it is. The star B...” she found herself unable to continue. “B...B...well that’s weird. I can’t say the star name now? I’m not even talking about you.”

“Just consider it extra insurance babes.”

“Ok, the B star is the second brightest star in the Orion constellation. It translates to ‘the shoulder of the giant.’ It’s considered very volatile with varying brightness. Ancient Egyptians associated this star with the God Osiris, God of death and the afterlife.”

“Huh. That’s very interesting. I actually learned something new today.”

She examined the illustration of the Orion constellation. “The left shoulder of Orion is the sister star Bellatrix. It translates to ‘female warrior’ and is the third brightest star in the constellation.”

“I like it. Bellatrix. Sort of has a gothic ring to it.”

“That was also the name of Helena Bonham Carter’s character in Harry Potter. You know, the lady that was in all the Tim Burton movies.”

“Who the hell is Tim Burton?”

“That’s not important. But I like the name. I think we should go with Bellatrix.”

He started rubbing her belly. “Hear that? We’re naming you Bellatrix. What do you think of that?” He felt a little kick under his hand. “Hey, I think she likes it!”

Some time had passed. It was a weekend day and Astrid was home visiting. She was sitting in her room browsing the internet on her laptop. Her quiet was interrupted by a gentle knock on the door.

“Come in.”

Betelgeuse opened the door. “See, I knocked. I didn’t just barge in.”

“What do you want?”

“Your mom’s out for the day, doing some shopping. I thought we’d surprise her by turning her old dark room into a nursery. She hasn’t used it since cameras went to digital. I thought it would be a fun project for you and me. You’re so creative and put together, and as you can see my sense of style is a little dated. What do you say?”

Astrid thought for a moment. “Sure. I’ll help.”

They headed down the hall towards the dark room. “I’ll do all the heavy lifting, you just direct me. First thing’s first, let's move all this old photography stuff to the basem*nt.” He waved his hands as cardboard boxes marched in and assembled themselves, Lydia’s equipment floating in the air packed itself neatly into the boxes below. Quickly they moved past their feet and down towards the basem*nt. “Let’s fix the lighting in here. Maybe add a window for some natural sunlight?” In an instant the red darkroom light turned to a natural bulb and a window appeared on the wall. “Alright kid, we’ve got a blank canvas. What should we do first?”

“I think we should pick a color scheme. Anything in mind?”

“I don’t know. Nothing too girly. Your mom hates pink.”

“I think we should pick a theme first.”

“Your mom is sticking with the star theme. We’re going with the name Bellatrix. My sister star.”

“Nice. How about a sky blue for the walls? Try that.” In an instant the white walls transformed to a pastel blue. “Too much like a little boy’s room. Hey, how about purple? Mom likes purple.”

“I’ll throw a few shades up. Stop me when you see something you like.” Different hues of purple splashed on the walls, flickering between one and the other.

“Stop, I like the lavender color. Hey, here’s a thought. Maybe do darker vertical stripes? Like your suit.”

“You got it.” Stripes suddenly painted themselves on the walls.

“I like it so far. But how are we going to incorporate a star theme?”

“Maybe we could add something on the ceiling? Give the baby something to look up at.”

“Go for it.” The ceiling changed from white to a deep moody purple, with hundreds of stars appearing mimicking the sky accurately.

“Alright, now the floors. Carpet or hardwood?”

“Carpet. Something really soft. Maybe a neutral gray?” Suddenly a grey low pile carpet sprung up from the hardwood floors like grass peeking out of the soil. “How about some purple accent rugs? That would tie the walls together.”

“You got it.” Suddenly rugs entered the room and unfurled themselves on the floor. “Looks nice Astrid. You have a talent for this. Now for the furniture. Your mom ordered some stuff from IKEA.” Several boxes entered the room and the contents spilled out, Betelgeuse bent over and picked up the instructions. “Goddamn Swedes. Can’t make directions in English. They think they’re so cute with these stupid pictures.” He crumpled up the instructions and tossed it behind his shoulder. “I can figure this out.” He looked at the pieces laid out on the floor and started to assemble them. In a few moments a white particleboard monstrosity appeared before them, resembling a nightmare more than minimalist furniture. “It’s supposed to be a crib. Where the hell did I mess up?”

Astrid picked up the instructions crumpled on the floor. “Here dad, I’ll read them to you.”

“Sure...wait a minute.” He turned swiftly to face Astrid. “You just called me dad.”

“Sorry. It just...” Betelgeuse wrapped his arms around her tightly and kissed her on the forehead.

“This makes me so happy! Oh Astrid! We’ve finally bonded!”

Her head was placed into his chest. He smelled like moss, grave dirt, and cigarettes. Hesitant at first, she eventually wrapped her hands around his chest and squeezed back. “Sure, now let’s get this furniture assembled before mom gets back.”

It was dark when Lydia got back. She entered the house and set her bags down, full to the brim with stuff for the baby. “I’m home.”

Astrid and Betelgeuse approached Lydia, both of them smiling. “Dad and I have a surprise for you mom.”

“Did you just say ‘dad and I?’”

Betelgeuse smiled. “We hit a milestone today. We’re fully bonded.”

Lydia smiled back. “I’m glad! Now what’s my surprise?” Betelgeuse covered Lydia’s eyes with a black and white striped blindfold. He tenderly led Lydia up the stairs and down the hall. They entered the room and he removed the blindfold. Lydia put her hands over her mouth and gasped. “Oh my God! Is this my old darkroom?”

“I hope you don’t mind. You haven’t used it for a while, and I didn’t want the baby to sleep in the hall.”

“It’s beautiful! This could be in a magazine!”

He put his arm around Astrid’s shoulder. “Give our daughter the credit. Everything was her idea.”

“Dad did everything though.”

“Hey, it was a team effort. We should get a tv show that airs back to back with Ghost House. Designing with the Deetz’s. Chip and Joanna Gaines can suck my dick.”

Lydia smirked. “Language. Please.” She walked over and hugged her family. “Thank you. The baby’s going to love it. I love you two.”

The Deetz's met in this warm embrace, Betelgeuse looked up and smiled as they levitated off the floor. “My two girls. Well, three if you count the baby. More like two and a half. I haven’t been this happy since my wedding day. I am one lucky stiff.”

Lydia looked up at Betelgeuse. “We’re lucky to have you Beej.”

Chapter 8: Predicting The Future

Chapter Text

The receptionist sat at the counter, idly inspecting her long acrylic nails. ‘God, I could use a fill.’ She thought to herself. It was another boring day at the airport, checking in bags of people leaving on vacation, and breaking the bad news to people that their bags were too big. She felt a presence in front of her and looked up to see an obviously pregnant woman dressed in a flowing black maxi dress at the counter.

“Hello, can I help you?” She said with an air of boredom and annoyance.”

A fair skinned man appeared behind the woman, dressed in obnoxious black and white striped shorts, a loud tropical shirt adorned with skulls, sun visor and dark sunglasses. “Yes, a carry-on bag for the Mrs.” he plopped a black bag on the counter. “And carrion for me.” he dropped a dead raccoon covered in flies. The woman recoiled in horror and let out a scream.

Lydia turned to her husband. “BJ, I told you, knock off the goofy sh*t today! These airports don’t mess around. I don’t want to be put on a no-fly list!”

He rolled his eyes. “I never get to have any fun.” He grabbed the dead raccoon and replaced it with a duffel bag.

The woman looked confused. “Sir, this bag is too big to fly. Look at the chart.”

“Figures. Women usually complain I’m too big.” he grabbed the bag and shrunk it down a bit. “How about now?”

She looked even more confused. “I don’t get paid enough to deal with this. Alright, it fits. Head towards security and enjoy your flight.”

Betelgeuse grabbed the bags. “Let me get this honey, I don’t want you to rupture your uterus.”

“We’re headed to TSA. Now you really have to behave yourself. Please don’t try to make any jokes.”

“You mean I can’t tell them the pregnant lady is carrying a bomb in her baby bump?”

Lydia put her hand over his mouth. “Don’t even say that! I’m nervous enough as it is with the fake ID we had to use to get to get you a ticket. I seriously should have left you home.”

“Hey, we’re a package deal you and me. And besides, if you’re doing this signing at this horror con, you’re going to need security. What if a crazed fan wants to steal our baby? Autograph hunters are seriously f*cking nuts. Trust me, I met John Lennon.”

Lydia rubbed her belly. “I agreed to do this con before I got pregnant. I normally like meeting my fans. But I doubt anyone will want their picture with a 7 month pregnant lady.”

“Lydia, you look beautiful carrying my spawn. Like a fertile gothic queen. People will go nuts when they see you.”

“I guess everyone is going to know I’m pregnant now.”

“Honestly, this is a good thing. I bet you’ll go viral. I can see this trending on twitter. People love it when celebrities get knocked up.”

They dropped off their luggage and headed towards security. “Beej, do everything they say and don’t give them any problems. Please.”

“I promise, I will be as good as I can.”

A security guard motioned towards the couple. “Remove your shoes, jewelry and any accessories and head towards the metal detectors.” Lydia obliged and headed past the metal detector with ease.

Betelgeuse headed through the metal detectors, setting them off. He pulled his cheek back revealing several missing molars and a gold tooth. “I have a really old filling.”

The guard looked at him unamused. ”We're going to have to issue you a scan. The woman too.”

Lydia became nervous. “I’m pregnant. This won’t hurt my baby, will it?”

“No ma’am. It's perfectly safe.” She headed in the scanner and the TSA agents examined the images.

Betelgeuse appeared behind them. “Don’t even think of oogling my wife.”

The agents grabbed him by the shoulders and forced him in the scanner. As the device whirled the agents looked at the screen, confused. “Huh. Nothing is showing up. It’s almost like he’s not there.”

“Does this mean I can go?”

“No sir, we’ll have to issue you a pat down. You and the woman.”

A female agent started to frisk Lydia, Betelgeuse looked on in rage as the agent felt her breasts. “Normally, I'm all for a little girl-on-girl action. But that’s a territory only I’m allowed to travel in.” The agents were getting impatient with him. An agent forced his legs apart and started to pat him down. “Jesus! Take me out to dinner first! You’re feeling me up like a virgin on prom night!”

The burly male agent was unamused. He looked over at the patch of moss on his face. “Sir, what is this?”

“Just residue left over from my meth factory. I sell it to fund terrorism when I’m not operating my child trafficking ring.”

At once, several agents tackled him against the floor. He went down with a loud thud. “We’re going to have to issue a strip search followed by a full cavity.”

Lydia gasped as she looked on. Betelgeuse smiled at her. “Relax Lyds, I’ll be alright. These fairies just want a closer look at the juice. I’ll see you on the plane.”

Some time had passed, and Lydia was in her seat. She started rubbing her belly nervously, worrying if she would be reunited with her husband. She kept checking her phone for updates. She saw a message from Astrid. “Hey mom, how are things?”

“Your dad acted like an asshole at security and had to be searched. Still waiting for him.”

“LMFAO! Sounds like him. What did he do?”

“The usual. Stupid, tasteless jokes.”

“You should have recorded it.”

Lydia looked up and saw her husband, limping awkwardly as he slowly made his way to the seat next to her. He sat down tenderly and looked at Lydia. “I will say this: airport security is EXTREMELY thorough.” Lydia looked at him and smirked. “I feel violated Lydia...” His bottom lip started to quiver.

“I TOLD you to behave yourself! And now there are consequences.” Lydia flagged down the flight attendant. “Can you get my husband a bloody Mary please?” she placed her hand on his knee. “It’s going to be alright.”

He took her hand and directed it towards his inner thigh. “Maybe we can join the mile high club today?”

She smiled. “I think you’ve pressed your luck enough today with airport security.”

Several hours had passed on this cross country flight. Lydia was now asleep in her seat and Betelgeuse had a few drinks in him. He looked around his seat for some entertainment. His attention focused to an elderly couple across the aisle.

“See this beautiful creature sitting next to me?” He pointed to her belly. “I did that. Yep. People keep asking if we did IVF. Nope. We conceived this baby the all-natural way and had a pretty good time doing that.”

The couple looked on, a little shocked and confused. “Congratulations.”

“It’s our miracle baby. My wife is 47. Technically I’m forever 39. So, she’s a bit of a cradle snatcher.”

Lydia woke up, her face looked distressed. “Baby’s kicking! Aaah!” Betelgeuse noticed the baby kicking, as it was showing through her bump.

He sprung to the rescue and rubbed her belly. “Shhh, calm down Bellatrix. Don’t torture your mom. That’s my job.” He stroked her for a few tender moments until the baby’s kicks subsided.

Lydia breathed a sigh of relief. “Thanks Beej. I knew I kept you around for a reason.” Betelgeuse and the baby shared a sort of psychic connection even before birth. The baby had powerful rib crushing kicks and would exercise herself all hours of the day or night. But for some reason Betelgeuse was able to calm her down. Suddenly she got a devilish idea on how to thank him. Lydia grabbed the blanket and covered her husband’s lap with it. She looked around the plane, once she was sure she was in the clear her hand made a beeline down his shorts.

His eyes got big, and he looked at her. “Think this is a good time and place for this?”

“Shhh. You wanted to join the mile high club today, right? Just lean back, relax, and keep quiet.”

He looked around the plane trying to keep a lookout while her hand worked magic under the blanket. He really wanted to announce what was going on, as a sort of brag to everyone on the plane. But he looked at Lydia and knew he had to keep quiet, and enjoy this little secret between them. He turned towards her, their eyes locking together. Instinctively they leaned forward and met with a lip locked kiss, tongues touching. But they pulled apart and listened to his sharp, raspy breaths that he tried to control. Unable to keep a poker face his face quickly changed expressions showing his pleasure, as her hand picked up pace. Lydia enjoyed watching his facial expressions when they were together. She took pleasure in the fact that she was the only one able to reduce this ancient powerful ghost to a quivering, shaking mess. Suddenly, he let out a gasp as Lydia’s hand was covered with his warm load. He looked over at her and smiled. “We should fly more often.”

It was a bustling day at the horror con. Weirdos from all walks of life came to celebrate their favorite spooky movies, tv shows, and comic books. The convention hall was filled with vendors displaying art, collectibles, and Halloween decorations. And many people were dressed as their favorite characters in cosplays of various levels of quality. Various actors, celebrities, and artists were there doing photo opportunities and selling autographs. Lydia would soon join them, but first she had a panel to discuss the newest season of Ghost House. She felt nervous in her long, flowing black dress that tightly sat across her baby bump. As she made her way to the panel, she was being directed by her husband turned manager turned security officer. He was dressed like a secret service agent: black suit, hair slicked back, dark sunglasses and earpiece.

“Alright everyone, make way! Pregnant celebrity coming through!” He spoke into his headpiece. “Roger that, we have Hades bringing Persephone to the stage. Approaching shortly.”

“Beej, do you have to be so dramatic?”

“Hey, I took a vow to serve and protect you when I put that ring on your finger. Think I’ll let any of these weirdos get near you? So far I’ve seen 4 Freddy Kreugers, 6 Jason Voorhees, one obese Elvira, and dozens of scary clowns.”

“This is my 4th year at this con and I’ve never had a problem before.”

“Yeah, but you weren’t pregnant before. One of these freaks could be a baby stealing lunatic. I’m not taking that chance Lydia.”

They approached the panel and the couple flashed their VIP badges to the security guard and he let them in. As Lydia approached the stage she stretched her back. “Alright, one quick panel, a 3 hour autograph session, and then I’m going back to the hotel to crash.”

She was approached by Marcus, the event organizer. “Lydia Deetz! Oh...my...God! How are you? You’re glowing!” He gave her a warm hug.

Betelgeuse pulled him away. “Alright, you’re getting a bit too close for comfort.”

“Forgive my husband. He’s a little over enthusiastic about his job as a security guard. BJ, this is Marcus. He organized this con.”

“Well, we love having you here every year Lydia. People love the new season of Ghost House!” He turned to the stage. “You’re up. Break a leg!”

“And now, the host of Ghost House. The one, and only, Lydia Deetz!” Said the panelist through his microphone, his voice booming through the crowd. Lydia made her way to her seat and the crowd loudly cheered, whistled and clapped. She could feel the stage lights bearing down on her and saw the flashing in the crowd from various cell phone cameras. She turned and saw Betelgeuse in the wing, he smiled and gave her a thumbs up. Inspried by this confidence she made her way to her seat and sat down.

“Well Lydia, it’s been an exciting year for you!”

“It has.”

“The first few episodes of Ghost House are out, and I have to say this has been the most exciting season yet. The hauntings are really very terrifying. This season has been really fresh and exciting. Tell me, what can you attribute that to?”

“You can thank the new producer. He has a knack for finding strange and unusual ghosts. I’d definitely call him a paranormal expert.”

“There are some rumors circulating around the internet that this new producer is your husband. Is this true?”

“Yes. I got married last Halloween. We had a private ceremony.”

“Nice, nice. What’s it like working on the show with your spouse?”

“Very interesting. He definitely keeps everyone on their toes, me especially. But we try to leave the show at the door and not bring work home with us.”

“Well things must be going well, by the looks of it. I can see you’re expecting.”

“Yes, I’m due September 6th. We’re having a little girl.” The crowd loudly clapped and cheered.

“Congratulations! This really has been a busy year for you.”

Lydia stroked her belly. “My husband BJ has been amazing throughout the whole process. He’s so sweet to me. He’s romantic, funny, smart, multi-talented, multi-lingual, and he loves me more than anyone has ever loved me before. He’s so good to my teenage daughter and he’s going to be so good to our baby.” Her head shot up and she remembered where she was. “Sorry, I’m rambling. You don’t want to hear about my personal life. You want to hear about the show.”

“No, this is interesting. Can you tell us how you two met?”

“Well, it’s a long complicated story. I’ve actually known him since I was a teenager. Back when I got my powers. I think that’s about all I can say.”

“Interesting, now can you tell us about some of the ghosts on this season?”

Betelgeuse stood in the wings and watched his wife lovingly. He was touched at some of the things she said. He never heard her talk about him like this before, especially in public to a crowd of strangers. He grabbed his striped tie and started dabbing a tear on his eye.

Marcus stood next to him and placed his hand on his shoulder. “You’re a lucky man.”

Lydia sat at her autograph booth. Pile of pictures and markers next to her. Betelgeuse approached her and gave her a quick kiss. “Ready for me to open the floodgates, honey?”

“I think I’m ready.”

“It’s showtime!” He headed towards the front of the crowd, it seemed to stretch for miles. “Alright, everyone get in line, single file. Everyone will get a chance to meet Lydia. One at a time please. But you have to get through me first.

The first person in line was a very nerdy 20 something year old man. He had a Ghost House shirt and was smiling ear to ear. “I’m Lydia’s biggest fan! I’ve been watching Ghost House since it premiered!”

“Oh, so you’re her biggest fan now?” Betelgeuse said skeptically.

“Yes, I even have a tattoo!” He rolled up his sleeve and showed off a portrait of Lydia on his upper arm.

Betelgeuse examined it. “Impressive. How’s this?” He ripped open his shirt revealing a colorful chest piece, sacred heart on his chest adorned with roses with a scroll reading ‘LYDIA.’

“Oh wow...that’s impressive.”

Betelgeuse buttoned his shirt up. “Alright, you can go through. But remember, look don’t touch.”

The fan made his way toward Lydia. “Aaah! I’m so excited to see you! I drove 3 hours! Can you sign this poster.”

“Sure, who do I make this out to?”

“Can you make it out to Stan please?”

“Absolutely.” She signed his poster ‘XOXO Lydia Deetz.’

“Oh thank you! Do you mind if we take a selfie?”

“Sure, I’m probably not going to stand up though. I’m awfully pregnant.”

He leaned into her and took a selfie. “You made my year! And congrats on the baby! I wish it was mine...just kidding! Don’t call security!” He skipped off happily, on cloud 9.

Betelgeuse watched. “Jesus. Are they all going to be like this?”

Lydia smiled. “One of the perks of being a celebrity.”

The long day seemed to go even longer due to Betelgeuse having to personally vet everyone that came through the line. But the 3 hour session eventually concluded. The con was wrapping up, vendors were packing their things, and Lydia sat at her booth tenderly rubbing her wrist.

“God, I have a writer's cramp from writing my name so much. I swear, toward the end I forgot how to spell Lydia Deetz.”

Betelgeuse helped her out of her chair. “Perhaps you shouldn’t have given it such vigorous exercise on the flight over here?” he winked at her.

“I can’t wait to get back to the hotel. We can get room service and then I’m just going to take a shower and go to bed.”

“Excuse me.” There was a tap on Betelgeuse’s shoulder. There was a young father wearing a polo shirt and khaki pants accompanied by a young boy about 6 or 7 wearing a Ghost House shirt. “Sorry I’m late. My son Michael doesn’t do so well with big crowds, so we wanted to come later. He’s such a big fan and really wanted to meet you.”

Lydia sank to her knees to get face to face with the little boy. “Hi Michael. It’s nice to meet you.”

The little boy grabbed his father’s leg and tried looking away. “He’s very shy. But he has a gift like you.”

“He can see the dead?”

“Well, no. It’s hard to describe. He can just read people really well and I think he can see the future. He doesn’t talk much. I think sometimes he gets overwhelmed with his powers. But he loves your show. He watches it every day after school. He tells me ‘dad the ghosts are real, and Lydia’s powers are real.’ You’re his hero.”

“He’s cute.” Betelgeuse said. Michael looked at him strangely. He then turned his attention to Lydia and put his hands on her belly. “Whoah, hands off the merchandise kid.”

Michael looked up. “Bellatrix is going to be a very powerful ghost. She will overpower her father one day.” He looked up at Betelgeuse. “Consider your days numbered.”

Betelgeuse’s jaw dropped and he sunk to his knees and put his hand on the boy’s shoulders. “What do you mean my days are numbered?! Is my baby going to be a soul sucker?!” Michael looked away. “ANSWER ME!”

The father spoke up. “Stop, you’re scaring my son!”

Betelgeuse looked at Lydia. His eyes bearing an expression she had never seen before: total and complete terror.

Back at the hotel Lydia sat on the bed. Her husband was pacing back and forth frantically. “I don’t see why you are freaking out so much. He was just a little kid.”

“Yeah, but he knew the baby’s name and he knew it was a ghost. I wish that kid would have said more.”

“That father was about to call the cops on you.”

“Look Lydia, I am freaking out! I mean, if our baby’s a soul sucker I’m toast! I’m just imagining putting her into timeout or making her eat vegetables and BAM! I’m gone! Dead-dead! What did the handbook say about half ghost babies anyways?”

“Not much. You know about as much as I do.”

“Well f*ck. sh*t. Look, I hate to leave you alone, but I think I need to step to the other side and get some answers.” He fished in Lydia’s purse and pulled out some lipstick and started drawing a door on the wall. “I’ll be back soon.” He knocked three times and entered, leaving Lydia on the bed.

Betelgeuse rushed past the denizens of the waiting room to the counter. He knocked loudly on the window until he got the attention of the receptionist.

“Can I help you?”

“Information! I need information! I need to speak with a caseworker, someone! Anyone!”

“The soonest I can get you to see a caseworker is about 3 years.”

“No, you don’t understand, I need to talk to someone TODAY!”

“Good luck with that, take a number and get in line.”

“I don’t have time for this!” Betelgeuse stormed off down the hall.

Wolf Jackson sat in his office, leaning back in his chair. His secretary had just given him another cup of coffee and he lifted the cup to his lips to take a sip. The door swung open crashing against the wall causing the glass panel inside to shatter loudly. His coffee spilled onto his shirt and he looked up angrily.

“Betelgeuse?! What the hell are you doing here?! You got your passport stamp, what are you doing back on this side?!”

He sat down nervously. “Look, I have a big problem. I tried talking to a caseworker, but it takes forever, and I’ve got a time sensitive emergency. You’re my second best option.”

“Well good to know I’m the second best. What’s going on Mr. Juice?”

“My wife is expecting. She’s due in a couple of months.”

“Congratulations. It must be exciting to hear the little pitter patter of feet.”

“Yeah, well this psychic kid told me the baby was going to one day overpower me. And that my days were numbered. I’m worried I might have another Delores situation on my hands.” He held his hands out, they were trembling violently. “I’m scared Wolf! I’m shaking like Michael J. Fox in an earthquake!”

“Oh, so you’re having a little halfa.”

“The hell is a halfa?”

“Let me pour you a drink to calm your nerves. I’ll tell you all about it.” He grabbed a bottle of whiskey under his desk and a glass and poured him and Betelgeuse a drink. Betelgeuse took it and nervously put it up to his lips, still shaking. “A halfa is the nickname we give these half ghost half human hybrids that pop up every now and again. In short, they are living. They will have a pulse and can die like any normal fleshbag. But they still have all the powers of a ghost. I personally have never encountered one, but I hear they are quite interesting.”

“What about the soul sucker thing?”

“Unlikely. Usually that comes about from a traumatic death, a tortured soul kind of specialty.”

“But this kid said my baby was going to overpower me someday.”

“Well, that just makes me think that someday your baby’s powers are going to surpass your own. You’re already a unique case, Betelgeuse. I’ve never seen a ghost with such an arsenal of tricks up their sleeves as you. You would have been a great member of the Ghoul Squad if only you could take direction and follow the rules. But no, I imagine your baby’s skills will be even greater than yours someday.”

He sighed. “You really think that’s it?”

“Of course. It’s a parent’s dream to see their children do better than themselves. Do you know what you’re having?”

“A little girl.”

“A girl, that’s wonderful. I have a daughter, still alive. Her name is Laura. She still puts flowers on my grave. You want my advice? Embrace parenthood. Teach her everything you know, how to use your powers. Enjoy watching her grow up.”

“Thanks. I feel better.” He finished his drink in one rapid chug. “I’d better get back to my wife. Thanks again for the pep talk.”

“You’d better fix my door before you go!”

A cool breeze entered the hotel room as Betelgeuse entered. It was late at night and Lydia was sleeping soundly in the bed. He peeled his suit off and crawled in next to her. Betelgeuse wrapped his arms around her and gave her a kiss.

Lydia started to stir. “Is that you?”

“The one and only.”

She rubbed her eyes. “Did you get any answers?”

“Yeah, I think we’re going to be alright.”

“Do you want to hear my prediction for the future? I think you and Bellatrix are going to be two peas in a pod. As soon as she gets her powers you two are going to be in a competition to scare the pants off each other. It’s going to be very cute.”

He kissed Lydia again. “I’m looking forward to it.”